I'm thinking of getting a tattoo, but this could be a terrible mistake

Tattoo on leg | xartproduction - stock.adobe.com

As I slowly approach a horribly significant birthday, my bucket list overfloweth.

I know it is just a number, but I feel as if I’m running out of time and need to tick a few midlife crisis-ish things off.

There are activities that are definitely not included. I will not be buying a red motorbike and running off with a younger man. I will never bungee jump, do a parachute jump, or even go in a helicopter. No thank you. I am from the Mr T school of aviation. You’d have to knock me out to get me to do those things.

At the rate I’m going, I probably won’t travel to any far flung destinations of note, either.

I shall put Tokyo on the back burner for now. I’ve wanted to go there and see the cherry blossoms since 1990, but my usual life paralysis and pervasive skintness has kept me glued to the spot.

However, I AM toying with the idea of getting a tattoo.

Until now, I’ve been a hard no, when it comes to getting inked. I’m too fussy and fickle.

I have no idea what I’d get done, and there’s no guarantee that I wouldn’t like it the day, or even hours, after.

In fact, I have a recurring nightmare about having a horrific tattoo and trying to scrub it off.

But, still, the idea keeps drawing me in. It’s just a YOLO-esque experience that I want to have.

That’s despite the fact that I was at a swimming pool the other day, and spotted so many horrible tats on very peely-wally skin, like mine. It looked like children had drawn on fridges with Sharpies. For some deluded reason, I must think I’ll be able to carry it off better than them.

Anyway, now that I’ve got the majority of my life behind me, I will have less time to regret my choice.

I remember my granny, when I was a teenager, telling me that the world was my oyster. It still is now, except maybe not a whole one.

When it comes to tats, I wish they did general anaesthetics, as I’m also a bit scared of the pain. After all, I’m not very brave at the dentist.

What if I get halfway through a design, then have to tap out?

I could walk out of there with only part of The Scotsman’s masthead on my forehead. I’d be The Scotsma, with half a thistle. Don’t worry, I’m not that dedicated an employee.

I’ve been browsing the work of various tattoo artists, via Instagram, for that is where they all peddle their wares.

And now that my algorithm knows what I’m planning, it’s showing me more and more. There is so much to choose from.

Back in my youth, there were only about four possible designs - LOVE and HATE on your knuckles, barbed wire a la Pamela Anderson, a Celtic tramp stamp, or those Chinese symbols.

Though, slightly later on, I also remember a brief trend for barcode tats, and I went to art college with a guy who had a pigeon on his arm. Then there was a friend of a friend who had Noel Gallagher on one bicep, and Liam on the other.

Now, you can have whatever you want. There is almost too much choice. It’s overwhelming.

From the photo-real portraits of pets and children, to abstract monochrome work, inspirational slogans, Amy Winehouse-esque vintage, ornamental and other really random stuff.

I’m learning so much. There seem to be microtrends for wild grasses, realistic-looking colourful gems, fine lines and finger tattoos. Spongebob, tacos and My Little Pony are popular. It seems that many baristas get coffee beans, which is a real dedication to their craft. I’ve also seen a lot of croissant tats out there - vaguely appealing, but I don’t think I can do whimsy or the surreal.

It’s probably a bit obvious, but something botanical would probably suit my mature vibe.

I love a peony, or magnolia, wildflowers, a Dutch-master-style parrot tulip, an iris or a fritillary - as long as it didn’t look like a Rennie Mackintosh tribute.

But I don’t want twee. No added bumble bees and I don’t like reds or purple, because those shades make it look like you have an inflammatory skin condition. No roses either.

That’s too Cheryl Cole circa 2013. And I definitely won’t be getting one on my buttock, like she did. I’m thinking upper arm - at the back, so I won’t have to stare at it on a daily basis.

Also, I feel your tattoo should be placed on a part of your body you’re happy with. I’m okay with my shoulders and arms, while my legs are like two tartan jambons.

At least with the floral designs, I feel as if they’re mainly immune to trends. I have an awful lot of friends who still have hanzi tattoos, from when these Chinese symbols had a moment back in the Nineties, pre-Google, so they couldn’t caveat emptor and check the translations. It was Sporty Spice’s fault, when she got one that said girl power. Or did it? Maybe it says, ‘I’m the only one who can sing’.

My pals may have regrets, but at least these commitments are small and can be removed relatively easily.

Ironically, that was always my plan B, if life at The Scotsman didn’t work out. Tattoo removal. I feel there’s a market for it, since everyone has one these days.

Anyway, I am still very much at the browsing stage.

I haven’t seen anything I want to commit to, yet. Let’s see if I get there, as that big yucky birthday looms.

Maybe a teensy little croissant would be quite cute?