This is how I survived a family holiday to the Isle of Arran

When we go to Arran for our annual Soutar sojourn, there are three generations to keep happy, with ages ranging from five to 88, and a teen who is sandwiched in the middle. Suddenly, three separate households have to do crazy things like compromise and get along. Along with hilarity and joy, we always prepare ourselves for meltdowns. 

If you’re in a similar position this summer, these are my tips for surviving on the island.

1 Don’t take your whole crew into the Arran Cheese Shop, or their tiny and neat sample ware supply will be decimated. My family speared cubes as if they were fishing for carp. I could see the monger and other customers giving us the side eye. The Soutars shouldn’t be allowed near a buffet or anything of that ilk. Apologies to all concerned. Next time, we’ll visit in a staggered fashion, or in disguise.

2 If you want to visit an upmarket food establishment, like Mara Fish Bar & Deli, The French Fox or, my new favourite, Lochranza pit-stop, the Sandwich Station, keep costs low by filling the kids up on Wooleys of Arran pies beforehand. We recommend their steak pie (not to be confused with the inferior steak bake). 

3 Showing kids how to skim stones is like teaching monkeys hieroglyphics. It’s hard. But, if they eventually get it, it’s a skill for life. 

4 Swing them. The island has so many swings, as part of play-parks or situated at picturesque spots by the road, in areas including Kildonan and Corrie. While granny chills on a bench - as there are as many of those as there are swings - the kids can try the normal facing forward position, going from sitting to standing, which was attempted by my intrepid youngest niece, as well as side saddle, the twisting-the-chains corkscrew and almost-over-the-top-bar-and-pinged-into-space.

5 Take family games, but not a jigsaw, as there will always be an irate infant who wants to smash it all up when you’ve only got five bits left to complete a 1000 piece-r. Been there. And, nobody ever wants to wait their turn when it comes to Connect 4. This year, I took the board game, Dog Bingo, which is as it sounds, with pups in lieu of numbers. I adopt the role of the caller, since I enjoy shouting “Chinese crested” and “Munsterlander” like an over-enthusiastic judge at Crufts. Apparently, there are other versions of this game available, including Bird Bingo and Poo Bingo. Last year, I took Boggle, and, though granny didn’t get the knack, everybody else loved it. This year’s afternoon game united everyone on a very rainy day. 

6 Make sure your holiday cottage has two tellies. On our week long trip, granny was glued to Wimbledon and the youngest had CBeebies. While those in the middle, especially the 13-year-old, were happy to stare at their devices. As I was not in either priority group, the only telly I saw for seven days was Pokemon. My favourite character is now a green cat called Sprigatito. 

7 Take a picnic as an incentive if you do the two hour round trip to, say, the King’s Caves, which was supposedly the place where Robert the Bruce hid out before the Battle of Bannockburn. Legend has it that he saw a spider weaving its web here, and it inspired him to keep trying and never give up. That’s the tale you tell, when the youngest says it’s too far to walk. 

Gaby Soutar

8 Accept that if you go down to the shore, the kids are going to get soaked. It’s never “just a paddle”. We were hoarse from screeching, “Okay, but only up to your ankles”, which was extended to “knees” and “waist”, at Whiting Bay’s beautiful beach, before we fell silent in acceptance that these water babies would soon be blue, shivering and it’d be all our fault. 

9 Climbing Goatfell is not for children. Or lazy grown-ups.

10 Don’t take it personally when the teenager says Arran is boring. You said the same thing at her age. There was a time when you'd walk for 40 minutes to escape your family’s self-catering accommodation and hang out in the Blackwaterfoot portaloo because it played chart music. At least this teenager still has her joyful moments, like when she leapt into the sea fully clothed. Really. At least she didn’t lose her Crocs on the beach, like last year.

11 Smidge insect repellent. Spray it all over. The midges don’t like me, presumably because my blood tastes like supermarket cab sauv. They will chomp at the childrens’ ankles though, as that’s where the flavours of their ingested Haribo percolate. 

12 Offer a £1 prize for every deer, fox or grey squirrel spotted, rather than seals. We saw tons of the aquatic mammals, especially round Pirnmill, where they were sunbathing on the rocks. Arran doesn’t have any resident foxes, grey squirrels or moles. There are deer, but I never see any. My dad used to offer 10p for sightings of those, and I didn’t make any pocket money.

13 If there is any bad behaviour, explain that Holy Isle is the equivalent of Alcatraz but for naughty kids. 

14 At home, drinkie hour is post 6pm. Island time means cracking open the vino at 4.30pm. Accept that the kids will steal all the accompanying nibbles in vast handfuls.

15 As soon as it’s over, know that you will be counting down to the next trip. Family holidays are intense, but they’re worth every wet walk and boring moment. Also, next year, we might even be bringing Poo Bingo.