Papal conclaves often throw up surprises, but don't expect second 'Pope Joan'

As Cardinals prepare to the enter the Conclave lockdown at The Vatican, the wait is on to see who will be the next Pope

With the Conclave to elect the new Pope starting next Wednesday, it’s time to keep ourselves busy while the Cardinals are imprisoned in their luxurious Vatican lock-in. Following a process that’s been unchanged for 800 years is not something to be rushed, so in the meantime I turned to Conclave starring Ralph Fiennes.

It’s a film that also takes its time in terms of plot but great visuals make up for it. Archaic costumes in a limited yet striking colour palette, beautiful lighting and a stunning backdrop – you can’t beat the Sistine Chapel ceiling – along with the performance of arcane rituals always make for great impact, as our own Royal family knows so well.

In the moments where the endless voting scenes dragged, I was content to vibe on the beautiful marble en-suite bathrooms of the purpose-built St Martha’s hostel where the Cardinals are closeted. There’s enough well-lit drapery to make Alison Watt reach for her brushes.

Ralph Fiennes stars as a Cardinal in the film Conclave | contributed

Real-life plot twists

As Ralph & Co plotted and pondered, conspired and considered while gazing at Michelangelo’s chapel ceiling, I wondered at the efficacy of the first-past-the-post, or first-past-the-Pope, system of election and if they’d ever consider, whisper it, change. Maybe the single transferable vote system would speed things along for the sake of the elderly Cardinals under house arrest until they’ve reached a decision.

Finally, along with the decision and the white puff of smoke, came a plot twist that reflected the reality that the actual election can sometimes throw up unexpected choices, like Pope Adrian IV, aka Nicholas Breakspear, the only Englishman ever to be elected Pope and unanimously on the first vote – take that Ralph Fiennes.

Born in Hertfordshire, uneducated and possibly illegitimate, Adrian held the top job from 1154 until his death in 1159 but is largely unknown in his home country, although big in Norway after making the church there independent from Germany.

A female pope?

Or my favourite, the legendary Pope Joan, the only female Pope ever elected after disguising herself as a man, and who history has dismissed as, well, a legend. But it’s a story that has captivated chroniclers, novelists and film-makers for centuries – there’s even a musical.

Purported to have reigned from 855 to 857, she made it onto woodcuts, manuscripts, busts and possibly medieval coins, but they’re a bit rubbed so no one’s sure. She spawned further spin-off stories of special chairs to facilitate manual checks that the Pope was indeed a man (there’s still one in Rome but its use is disputed – although why the Vatican would need a birthing stool raises further questions).

There are also tales that when her subterfuge was discovered, there was a plague of locusts and it rained blood for three days and nights. Conclave II perhaps?

In the meantime, we can only envy the Cardinals locked in without phones, newspapers, television, letters or messages to bother them, offline and off the grid, free to gaze for hours at the Sistine Chapel ceiling and wonder, in between writing names on bits of paper, if the silent sisters are preparing more of those delicious bombolini for supper.