Lockdown family doing your head in? Try saying sorry

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In many homes, family life is straining under the pressures of 24/7 contact, without the usual routines, rhythms and distractions of school runs, commuting and entertainment. Normal minor domestic irritations that are easily forgotten when we are absorbed by the busyness of ‘normal life’, can – if we are not very careful – ferment into serious issues. The home can feel more like a pressure cooker than the safe port in a storm that we envisaged when we embarked on living with others.

Some marriages are showing the strain too. One person said to me this week, “If the virus doesn’t do me in, my family will!”

The Christian faith has some important resources to bring to these everyday situations.

The first is the enduring truth that we are known, loved and can be accepted by God through Christ. Rather than being a theological abstraction, for Christians this is a lived experience. The consequence is that we have the opportunity not to crush those we live with under the expectation that their performance will meet our deepest spiritual, emotional and psychological needs. Rather, the more we know God and draw on his deep, rich resources, the more we will have to offer others.

This is no more profoundly seen than in the matter of forgiveness. Humans are endowed with the capacity to perform acts of great altruism as well as of selfishness. We have seen the NHS being staffed by heroes and heroines, but we have also watched people fight over and hoard resources.

It’s no different at home. Sometimes we are a delight to live with, yet at _other times we offend one another. Jesus always tied together finding forgiveness from God with being empowered by Him to forgive others. Without learning the grace of forgiveness, family life will be intolerable.

Many a wedding has featured the Bible reading from 1 Corinthians, which says: “Love keeps no record of wrongs”. In Christian spirituality, this doesn’t happen by chance, accident or without our conscious involvement. Rather, change begins when we reflect on our own shortcomings and seek forgiveness through Christ for them. The cleansed conscience and the grateful heart predicates the forgiveness of others. Rather than grudges mounting up every day, forgiveness can flow as the slate is cleaned. People who have been forgiven can more easily forgive.

The second resource which the Christian faith offers are the resources to change ourselves.

Psychologist Dr Tim Lane made some profound observations in his recent lectures in Edinburgh. He said that in many instances, unhelpful responses to pressures in life can be unlearned, including anger, self-pity and anxiety. Working with people whose responses to pressure have been negative, he has helped them develop positive reactions to life stresses. His method begins by cultivating a spirituality which rests in God’s great love for us in Christ. People who feel loved have an enlarged capacity to love others, rather than turn inwards in negative ways.

Next, there is the matter of self-reflection. Jesus memorably told his disciples to remove the plank from their own eyes before attempting to remove the speck from someone else’s. The implication is clear – if relationships are going to work, we must first own our own sins and failures. Relationship counsellor Gary Chapman reflected on these words of Jesus in the context of his own marriage: “When I focused on her faults and my needs we were always fighting, but when I learnt to focus on my faults and her needs, we began to get somewhere.”

The Bible says we are to “make a sober assessment of ourselves” which means confessing our sins and learning the ability to wear the word ‘sorry’ naturally. Saying sorry both to God and to others is not a sign of weakness, but of maturity. Learning to give and receive forgiveness in return, is to embrace life.

Finally, the Christian faith calls us to keep our eyes on a bigger narrative than our daily struggles. It’s not merely a matter of simply saying that one day normal life will resume, because Christianity asks us to lift our gaze higher still. While everything we are experiencing, including Covid-19 will end, God offers us the opportunity to embrace His love, power and transformation, here in lockdown. And that is treasure that turns out to be eternal.

Gavin Matthews for Solas.

Lockdown family doing your head in? Try saying sorry – Gavin Matthews