Lifelines: We always fight | I miss my sister

WE ALWAYS FIGHT

This situation is the result of my son and his mum having an argument and so he came to live with me. I do love having my boy with me and I see my daughter a lot. What concerns me is that my children are being brought up in different homes and I don’t think it is good for them. Is this the wrong way to do things? My ex-wife and I do not see eye to eye and we always end up arguing over our own issues as well as the children when we try to talk about this. I am concerned that my children are different from all their friends and are missing out.

First of all, to reassure you, the situation you find yourself in can be more common than you think. And secondly, you made a decision based on what was best for your son at the time.

You say your son and his mother had an argument. If this was a one-off, it will be better to move on from it and try to communicate with your ex about future arguments and issues that arise. If the arguments are common and happen often, it will be better to try and find out what is causing them and encourage your son and his mum to talk out their issues.

It sounds as if the arguments and tension between you as people and parents are not helping any of you. Mediation is an ideal service for you and the children’s mum to talk about your communication. Some mediation services have a direct consultation with children option. This would involve the children speaking to a mediator specially trained to discuss the effects of parental separation on children. This is a confidential meeting and is not leading in any way, but deals with how the child is feeling. This would only be fed back to the parents if the child agrees.

As for your concerns about the children being brought up in different homes, if they are having access to both parents and each other it can and does work. If your children’s mum and you can mediate, this can be discussed and the input from the children will help with decisions regarding living arrangements.

i MISS MY SISTER

I am a 17-year-old girl and live with my gran. I am quite happy there but I have a younger sister who is only 13 and she lives with our dad. Mum died a year ago and dad couldn’t cope with us both so I went to live with Gran. It has been very hard for us all. The trouble is that we live quite far apart and really don’t see each other much. I have a job after school two evenings a week near my old house so I can get the bus down to see my sister. I did have the idea that she could come and stay for a few days during the holidays but I don’t want her to leave her friends at the weekend or holidays. Dad and Gran don’t get on very well and Dad is busy with work. Gran is quite old so I think my sister may be too much for her to cope with. Should I ask anyway?

You and your family must miss your mum very much and to not see your little sister must be extra hard for you.

You asked the question should you just ask your gran and sister about the idea you have. The answer is yes. You will probably find that she and your sister will be delighted that you did. You can speak to each other via the internet as well and don’t forget the good old-fashioned letter. Your sister might appreciate a funny or cute card from you now and then, as you might from her. It might be fun for both of you to start a keepsake box where you can collect things like that from each other. There might even be some things of your mum’s you could put in there.

You have done very well in getting a job to help with your situation and you and your sister are lucky to have each other. It is hard when adults do not get on but it might be an idea to explain to your gran and dad that it makes it hard for you girls. Remember that you will not be in this situation for ever and it hasn’t been a long time for everyone to get used to the change in all your lives.

Pauline Nimmo is a registered family mediator with Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)