Here's how I'm bringing Donald Trump's 'proven economic formula' into my life

From today, I will be imposing my own tariffs on everyone I trade with, just like my newfound hero Donald J Trump

OK Tesco, you’ve had a good run, but the great Trump of Trump Towers has shown me the way. I have seen his shining orange light and it has opened my eyes to the genuinely shocking ‘trade deficit’ between me and your massive sweetie shop that masquerades as a mini-supermarket near my flat.

And so, following the US President’s historic declaration, today is my very own Liberation Day. From now on, any time I buy something from Tesco, I am going to charge a tariff of 50 per cent and it is absolutely definitely going to Make Ian Great Again.

Who will pay this tariff, you ask... well, I will be doing that, but it really is going to encourage me to build a greenhouse in the back garden (assuming the other flats agree) so I can grow my own coffee, chocolate, bananas and so on. I may also need to hire a cow.

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, left, seen with Donald Trump on Air Force One, says everyone should 'trust in President Trump' (Picture: Mandel Ngan) | AFP via Getty Images

‘Not a pretty picture’

This is my “declaration of economic independence”, to quote my new-found hero, the Donald, and there is no going back, whatever the consequences and however many times I get kicked in the face while inexpertly trying to milk Daisy.

Tesco is not alone. Sainsbury’s, M&S, the little corner café that does those nice pastries... you’re all on my list. I don’t blame you, I really don’t. But I buy lots of things from you and you never seem to buy anything from me, so there simply must be some kind of “cheating” going on. “It’s not a pretty picture, and I don’t like it.”

This is the real revelation of Trump’s new trade policy. “Reciprocal tariffs are calculated as the tariff rate necessary to balance bilateral trade deficits between the US and each of our trading partners,” explains the Office of the US Trade Representative. “This calculation assumes that persistent trade deficits are due to a combination of tariff and non-tariff factors that prevent trade from balancing.”

So, if there is a trade deficit, if you buy more things from someone else, that means there must be something wrong. That’s what we must all “assume”.

A country ‘nobody has ever heard of’?

This explains why Trump imposed a 50 per cent tariff – his highest – on Lesotho, a country he said that “nobody has ever heard of”. Well, nobody who matters anyway, which is just his little joke – he’s such a wag.

It’s also a country with a gross domestic product per person of about $1,100 compared to the equivalent US figure of $83,000. Nearly half of people in Lesotho live below the poverty line and a quarter are unemployed. Textile manufacturing is one of its biggest industries, with 75 per cent of what it makes, like jeans for Levi’s and Wrangler, being exported to the US, according to the Associated Press.

Following Trump’s tariff announcement, Lesotho’s Trade Minister Mokhethi Shelile said his country was looking for new markets and would urgently seek to negotiate with the Trump administration, AP reported. He also expressed concern that some textile factories, which employ 12,000 people, could close.

This is all very sad and I’m sure Trump, when he stops laughing about his funny joke, will be sad too. However, until the people of Lesotho are willing to buy enough US goods to ensure ‘balanced trade’, they simply must be punished. It may seem unpleasant but, fair’s fair, the same rules apply to everyone and we must all adopt them uniformly from now on.

Stupid questions

And anyway, it’s in America’s interest to make its own jeans, even if they are more expensive, just like it’s in my interest to grow my own bananas, instead of buying them from Tesco.

I really didn’t understand this – never having taken much interest in economics before – until Trump explained it all so well. But clearly, some stock market investors just don’t get it. It’s very frustrating, particularly for a new convert like me.

As stock markets around the world fell, one reporter even had the temerity to ask the US President about America’s “pain threshold”. I found myself nodding along as I read that Trump had replied: “I think your question is so stupid... I don't want anything to go down. But sometimes you have to take medicine to fix something.” Who could disagree with such sharp economic analysis?

So if the global economy crashes like it’s 1929 – a feat beyond the wildest dreams of the UK’s own Liz Truss – it will not be his fault, but the fault of those misguided fools who refused to heed White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt when she counselled investors to “trust in President Trump” and “his proven economic formula”.

Golden Age of Ian

Now, there are those who claim that I’d be better off not making my own chocolate from scratch – which does seem surprisingly complicated, judging by the YouTube videos I’ve been watching – and instead sticking to my own job, then using my income to trade with others who specialise in making the things I want.

The early 19th century British economist David Ricardo’s ‘Comparative Advantage Theory’ similarly argued that countries can mutually benefit from international trade by each specialising in things they are good at producing.

So Lesotho’s textile factories are good for the US because the workers’ low wages – relative to those in the US at least – and expertise mean Americans can buy affordable, well-made jeans. And, as people in Lesotho become richer because of this trade, the international market for US-made goods will expand, in a virtuous circle.

But that’s only a ‘theory’ – like climate change, evolution and gravity – and in Trump I trust. “This will be the Golden Age of America”, the US President said, and it’s also going to be a Golden Age of Ian. I just know it.