The South Queensferry Halloween event that terrified my family

Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.

It’s fair to say that Craigies Pumpkin Festival: After Dark, which runs until October 26, is not for those with nervous constitutions.

Forget that this venue has a lovely farm shop, park and cafe during the day. Post 6pm, something changes. 

We’d barely got through the gates before the youngest in my family gave up on this event, which has been created by NL Productions, who are also responsible for Edinburgh Zoo’s Halloween Spooktacular and this year’s Dundee’s Christmas Village.

That’s because there was a ‘zombie’ in a boiler suit waiting to greet us. Although we told the five-year-old that she was actually very friendly, it was a hard no. And it wasn’t even dark yet. 

At least he got to see the relatively benign singing pumpkins at the entrance, and the video screens that tell the spooky tale of a nefarious presence on the farm. But he didn’t make it even close to the creepy graveyard.

I blame his older sisters for winding him up in the car en route to South Queensferry. 

This is a very PG event. So, though there were toddlers marching inside, it’s not for everyone.

If there are any fearties in your family, you could always do their Pumpkin Festival day event, which runs until October 31 and is entirely free of the living dead (unless that demographic includes exhausted parents). 

Thankfully, Craigies has an undercover area with picnic seating, so we could take turns hanging out with junior, who was quite content once we’d bought him a chocolate milk from the vending machine and he could watch the planes landing at Edinburgh Airport. 

Despite the dungaree-clad creepy scarecrow, he was also willing to wander around the field of PYO pumpkins, which are available to buy. There are wheelbarrows provided, in case you need a whole batch to take home. 

Pumpkin field | Contributed

While he was distracted, we tag teamed our shots at venturing into the Haunted Harvest.

Basically, this is a barn area that’s split into two paths. I like what they’ve done with the place, using luminous paint, ragged curtains, undergrowth and creepy characters, like the skull creature with the glowing eyes, or the lurking presence in the plague mask that reminded me of a former colleague.

So far, so easy. This is on par with the Edinburgh Waxworks Chamber of Horrors, circa 1985. 

The youngest might even have managed this bit.

“Are there going to be any jump scares?” one of the nieces asks me. “Nah, doubt it”.  (I hadn’t read the bumph). Until, right in front of me, there was a woman in black veil and Victorian dress. My night vision isn’t what it used to be, and I didn’t see her coming. She’s moving as if levitating.

I scream - probably right in her face - and run, leaving my nieces in the dirt.

As a horror film aficionado, I thought I was unshakeable, but that was pretty scary.

My nieces are clinging to my arms, when we spot the wolverine creature with a pumpkin head, which is moving in a very strange limping fashion. Where did they find these actors? They’re straight off the set of some kind of Stephen King film.

Other bone-shivering highlights of our trip include exiting this area, and then encountering a chainsaw-wielding maniac, who is chasing us a la Texas Chainsaw Massacre. 

“That’s right, run,” he shouts, as we sprint away. “I’ll get you next time!”

I had imagined this event would be relatively sedate, but my adrenaline is pumping. I also can’t stop laughing. I think it’s nerves.

There are also some add-ons, like a ghost train barrel ride, photo opps and laser guns, but the newest attraction is the 900-metre Monster Bale Trail.

Entering the Bale Trail | Gaby Soutar

It’s full of giant concertina-d snakes, blinking eyes, mummies and witches in stripy tights.

And, yes, more jump scares. I was recruited to go first, in order to sweep the passages, followed by a trail of quivering children - nieces, and some other random ones that I’d accumulated and were using me as a human shield.

My scariest encounter was from what appeared to be a take on The Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz, except a sinister and overly stuffed version, who was waving his arms about, but gave me a friendly bow. If only he had a brain - one of ours would obviously do, as a snack. 

And, of course, there was another of those bloomin’ zombies.

There’s also a bit of a storytelling aspect to this part of the trail. Halfway round, everyone is gathered, to sit on bales, wish they’d taken a Piriton, and hear a spooky story about a demonic visitor to the farm. Anyway, I’m not going to give you all the spoilers. It’s a fun and thrilling evening, though over quickly, as you end up doing a lot of running.

After our session, I gave my sister the nod, let her go in and joined my nephew with his chocolate milk. The girls wanted a second shot.

“You definitely don’t want to go in?” I asked him.

Still a hard no. Halloween scares are not for everyone. 

Tickets are £12 for adults, £10 for children (West Craigie Farm, Queensferry, 0131-319 1048,  www.craigies.co.uk)