The best lines from Peep Show ahead of Mitchell and Webb's return

David Mitchell and Robert Webb have made their return to the screen with Channel 4 comedy Back.

Mitchell and Webb were a hit with Peep Show and are set to return with a new show. Picture: Channel 4

Here we look back on the funniest Peep Show quotes from Mark, Jez – and Super Hans.

“Socks before or after trousers, but never socks before pants. That’s the rule. Makes a man look scary, like a chicken.” (Mark)

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“People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis, you can’t trust people, Jez.” (Super Hans)

“She is attractive, but brown rice and pop tarts, chamomile tea and economy vodka? That’s a car crash of a shopping basket.” (Mark)

“While we’re at it, there are systems for a reason in this world. Economic stability, interest rates, growth. It’s not all a conspiracy to keep you in little boxes, alright? It’s only the miracle of consumer capitalism that means you’re not lying in your own sh*t, dying at 43 with rotten teeth.” (Mark)

“I do sort of like it when he’s rude to me. Hopefully that’s more a psychological defect than a weird sexual thing.” (Mark)

“I’m having an orgasm against my will! Oh God, she’s stolen sex off me!” (Mark)

“Oh yeah. Pissed and stoned in a gas-guzzler; this is the life. Already given a quid to Greenpeace this year so I’m golden.” (Jez)

“Oh God, I think I love her. I think I’m falling in love. Or getting a bone on, which is basically the same thing when you get rid of all the Valentine’s cards and bullsh*t.” (Jez)

“I don’t want sweet punani action, I want to take your bishop and grind you down.” (Mark)

“It’s fine. Luckily we’re all English so no-one’s going to ask any questions. Thank you, centuries of emotional repression!” (Mark)

“Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are just Frosties for w*nkers.” (Jez)

“A new boiler. Surely the least enjoyable way to spend a thousand pounds. At least throwing the money out of the window you’d see the scrabbling mass, the hate-filled faces. I have spent a cool grand on acquiring the resumption of an equitable temperature.” (Mark)

“So what if I don’t really love her. Charles didn’t really love Diana and they were alright. Sort of.” (Mark)

“Like when they fed all the cows to the other cows in the ’90s and we got what was it? Super-burgers?” (Jez)

“Look at me, friends with a big black businessman, like it’s the most natural thing in the world!” (Mark)

“I love the homeless, one of my own would be amazing. I could look after him… not like a tamagotchi… better.” (Jez)

“Tell you what, that crack is really moreish.” (Super Hans)

“I like you. Is that such a crime? Should I be hounded to the ends of the earth, just for liking you? I like you, and if you can’t handle it, you can just, you know, f*** off.” (Mark)

“Looking at porn is like lying to Parliament. It used to be wrong but now it’s all a big laugh.” (Mark)

“What’s so great about sex anyway? It’s all the mind. Her soft skin is just a big bag full of kidneys and mucus and half-digested bits of pie. I bet she’s got really nice kidneys. Oh yeah, I’d f*** those kidneys real good.” (Jez)

“Jeremy, there are many things I would do to help you. But digging a hole in the wintry earth with my bare hands so that you can bury the corpse of a dog you killed is not one of them.” (Mark)

“So unhappy. I wonder if anyone has ever been this unhappy while drinking champagne.” (Mark)

“You’re not just a man any more – you are a man with a van. You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven.” (Super Hans)

“God, it’s so easy being a freak, no wonder they’re ten a penny.” (Mark)

“Sophie’s the one. Toni’s Russia; vast, mysterious, unconquerable. Sophie’s Poland; manageable, won’t put up too much of a fight.” (Mark)

“Not the Hootenanny! Never the Hootenanny! We’re better than that.” (Jez)

“So great that Dobby’s agreed to move in. Just gotta close the deal. Get her into the flat and keep her locked down like Fritzl. No, not like Fritzl, like a nice normal loving guy who knows where she is at all times. Which at no point would be locked in the cellar.” (Mark)

“I’m the Wolf of Wall Street. Look out, Boots! I’m going to buy 100 meal deals and eat them off a prossie in the nude.” (Mark)

“You realise that tinned food is just for crackheads and wars?” (Jez)

“Urgh, more data entry tonight. I guess the only good thing is that my life is so boring it feels like it might go on forever.” (Mark)

“OK, here we go, wedding day. I am heading for a wedding. How do I feel? Empty, check. Scared, check. Alone, check. Just another ordinary day.” (Mark)

“I bet she even does nice poos, little Maltesers that smell like The Body Shop.” (Jez)

“I’ve watched Grand Designs with you. That smile when some eco-glass gets delayed on its way from Antwerp and the nice couple gets pushed over budget. That’s the real you.” (Jez)

“Of course; brings the insufferable music, and then goes. He’s like the 1980s.” (Mark)

“I’m not marrying out of spite, I’m marrying out of fear. There’s a very big difference.” (Mark)

“Is this a terrible idea? It can’t be, it’s in a film. They wouldn’t put a terrible idea in a film, they’d get sued.” (Jez)

“Mark, if I can just get rid of the dog corpse, there’s a chance I still might get laid here.” (Jez)

“God, this is like the Dark Ages. Centuries and centuries with nothing to look forward to except ‘the slim possibility a Viking might break down the door and rape me.” (Mark)

“What’s the big deal? So I didn’t give him the number for Dr. Tang. She’s got leukaemia! Sticking a few needles in her face at 50 quid a pop is not gonna fix that!” (Jez)

“You are paying for that snake to be dry-cleaned!” (Super Hans)

“Justice is done. Not actual justice, but what I wanted to happen, which is basically the same thing.” (Jez)

“No more drugs. I don’t need drugs. I mean, what great music was ever made on drugs? Bowie, obviously. The Floyd, The Prodge, Aphex, the list is endless really.” (Jez)

“Nothing from Dobby since Christmas. I want to call again, but when I leave long messages, I have this nagging sense that I’ll end up hearing them being played back to me in a court of law.” (Mark)

“What do you do to avoid a lion attack? Soil yourself? Or is that grizzly bears? Hate to s**t myself for no reason and get eaten. The final humiliation.” (Mark)

[garroting Super Hans with dental floss] “Floss is boss!” (Jez)

“Aren’t we supposed to be living in a multicultural democracy? And isn’t that the point? You know, the Jews, the Muslims and the racists all living together happily side by side, doing and saying whatever the hell they like?” (Jez)

“Yeah, you won’t be so cocky, Jeff, when I come into the office with a Kalashnikov and 200 rounds of ammunition. I’m probably exactly the kind of person who could end up doing something like that.” (Mark)

“Jeremy, do you think we could take a brief time-out from the masturbate-athon that is your life to go to my son’s Christening?” (Mark)

“Red next to black jump the f*** back, red and yella cuddly fella.” (Super Hans)

“If text kisses were real kisses, the world would be an orgy.” (Mark)

The first episode of Back is available to watch on All 4

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