Janey Godley: Did shape-shifting alien lizards really eat my pension fund?

I read about how Western governments have been using mind control to manipulate their population. The underground freedom pirates who wrote that blog actually predicted a worldwide credit crunch about a year ago and added that there are seven evil men who rule the world.

Apparently, within the next three months, the "Men Who Rule The World" expect looting and inner-city chaos to descend all over the UK and that's exactly what these bad, dominating men have always wanted. Soon our streets will be closed off into grids and the military will rule the land. That's just after we are all fitted with an ID chip under our skins, so the government or "Men Who Rule The World" will be able to keep a closer eye on us.

Personally, I hate having a pop at people who like to think 'outside the moon', as I find them incredibly entertaining and – who knows? – there may some truth in some things; but I don't believe all of the stuff I read.

David Icke, for instance, has some really interesting theories about the Illuminati whom, he suggests, are a group of people who rule the planet with fear and manipulation and include major bankers, media moguls and some blokes called Rothschild.

Icke said in a TV interview back in 1990 that the US would have an attack on one of their major cities which would induce a war to control oil; he also stated that the attack would be manufactured by its own government; now make of that what you will.

His opinions are pretty damning and quite an interesting read. I was hooked, right up until he maintained the nasty folk who rule the world are actually blood-sucking evil lizards.

George Bush I can quite believe is a reptile. He has licky lips and shifty eyes. But, when Icke named the late country music star Boxcar Willie as a slimy lizard, that was going too far. His music was rather twee, but that didn't make him an evil man who wanted to take over the world, did it?

Conspiracy theorists are wonderfully fascinating and sometimes hard to believe but, then again, they did say the world banks would collapse this year and were mocked for their opinion. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

An expression of indifference

ONE of the things that gets my dander up is those magazines and newspaper articles where some "body language" professional will analyse the images of a famous couple and speculate on their emotions.

A photo of Tom Cruise looking up as his wife looks downwards is not evidence that they are about to divorce. Maybe he spotted a helicopter as she checked her shoes for dog poo.

Brad holding Angelina's arm is not proof he is 'grabby' or protective. Maybe she was wobbling in her high heels.

If everyone had a look in their photo album, I am sure there are shedloads of snaps of couples sneering or looking sad and they are probably still married to this day.

Guy Ritchie and Madonna always looked perfectly happy in their photos and they are set to divorce. A smile and a good pose can hide a lot of problems.

Let's look forward to a future of honest, happy squalor

PEOPLE who can no longer afford electricity will start pushing old prams full of washing to the local "steamie", which will have been reopened to help conserve energy.

Women who can no longer afford a hairdo every week will don headscarves tied at their chin.

Children will hump bags of coal on their shoulders and swing firewood on a string tied to their waist and no longer be stuck to a PlayStation or computer half their lives.

Who knows, cutting back on resources may bring out the best in people.