The 50 Best Jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe 2016

If Mr T had gone to University for longer he could have been M.A Baracus. -

Mark Smith, Cowgatehead, 5.30pm

My doctor was quite a large man. He looked like the only thing he’d ever cured was pork. -

James Farmer, Bannerman’s, 12.30pm

In France, J-Lo is known as I have water -

Adam Hess, The Hive, 4.10pm

Women everywhere will look at Hillary Clinton as President and think, you can do anything you want to do. As long as your husband does it first. -

Michelle Wolf, Pleasance Courtyard, 9.30pm

If Scotland leaves, the United Kingdom will have to call itself the Former United Kingdom, which will be a pretty cool acronym. -

Nazeem Hussain, Assembly George Square, 8pm

I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10-

Mark Watson, Pleasance Courtyard, 9pm

If you don’t know Grindr, it’s like Pokemon Go, but you catch STDs.-

Tom Ballard, Assembly George Square, 9.15pm

“My motto in life is always give 100%. Which makes blood donation quite tricky.” -

Tony Cowards, Just the Tonic: The Mash House, 4pm

Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open. -

Paul F Taylor, Bannerman’s 4.15pm

I heard Myleene Klass was returning to pop music, but it was only Hear’Say. -

Myra Dubois, Gilded Balloon, 9.15pm

I’m bringing sexy back. I hope it’s got a two-week warranty.-

Neal Portenza, Underbelly, 8.15pm

How does Mr Miyagi eat his Babybel? Wax on – wax off. Olaf Falafel, City Cafe, 4.15pm

The kids at school used to call my mum the village bike. She wasn’t promiscuous; when I was six years old she went missing and they found her in the canal. -

Mat Ewins, The Hive, 9pm

I can see why people have been drawn to Nigel Farage, I’ve seen him speak and he’s funny and engaging. And I have to admit as an immigrant to this country, after listening to him for a few minutes, I wanted to leave. -

Erich McElroy, Bar 50, 1.20pm

I hate double standards. Why is it that if I have sex with loads of women I’m a player but if a woman does it she’s a lesbian?

- Jack Barry, Just The Tonic: The Mash House, 6.40pm

I bought my nephews some Cisformers for Christmas, they start off as cars and stay that way. -

Bethany Black, The Stand, 6pm

As an escapologist my father struggled to make a living. -

Phil Nichol, Assembly Checkpoint, 9.45pm

My brother was trying to brag about his three-year-old son. “He’s really smart for his age,” he said. But I was like, “Yeah, but he’s really stupid for my age.” -

Ari Shaffir, The Hive, 6.30pm

I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool and just for a laugh I put “The Beatles” or “Steven Gerrard” for every answer. Came second. -

Will Duggan, Pleasance Courtyard, 6.45pm

My goal in life is always turn the negative into the positive. Which is why I lost my job at the HIV clinic. -

Andrew Lawrence, Assembly Roxy, 8.30pm

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.-

Abi Roberts, Voodoo Rooms, 4.15pm

I have the confidence to text a man first. And second. And third. And fourth. And fifth. And sixth. And seventh. Basically, till he answers. -

Sofie Hagen, The Liquid Rooms, 7.50pm

Wes Anderson is often praised for his use of colour. Which is ironic. -

Fin Taylor, Gilded Balloon: The Counting House, 11.15pm

Like a lot of Conservatives I grew up on an estate. The main difference was mine didn’t have a gamekeeper. -

Geoff Norcott, Underbelly Med Quad, 7.10pm

I met an estate agent who didn’t know the abbreviation for ‘apartment’. I thought, “that’s apt”. -

Darren Walsh, Pleasance Courtyard, 8.30pm

At University I studied archaeology. I scraped through my exams. -

Stuart Mitchell, Pleasance Courtyard, 7.15pm

Being in love is like central heating… you turn it on before guests come over and pretend it’s like this all the time.-

Laura Lexx, Just the Tonic: The Mash House, 2.20pm

When I moved house, I teamed up with a white girl, an Asian girl and a black guy and we moved into the front cover of a university prospectus. -

Glenn Moore, Just the Tonic: The Caves, 6pm

I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day. -

Aatif Nawaz, Newsroom, 8.45pm

I asked all of my black and minority ethnic friends if they thought I was racist or not, and they both said that I wasn’t.-

Bridget Christie, The Stand, 11am

My mum loves mocking me – she described my 20th birthday party as “celebrating 20 years since Alex was last inside a woman.”-

Alex Kealy, Underbelly Med Quad, 9.50pm

It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins & marshmallows – it’s a rocky road.-

Olaf Falafel, The City Cafe, 4.15pm

Leave voters were obsessed with taking back control. What we didn’t know was that they would also take back alt and delete and return the country to factory settings.-

Ben Van Der Velde, White Horse, 5.30pm

I’ve been a pessimist my entire life. I remember one of my first thoughts was that my Mum’s breast was half empty. -

Mark Nelson, Gilded Balloon, 8.45pm

How do you know if someone’s a vegan? They’ll tell you.-

Randy Writes a Novel, Underbelly Potterow, 10.05pm

The appearing rabbit trick can go wrong at the drop of a hat. -

Pete Firman, Pleasance Courtyard, 8pm

Female comedienne – you don’t need both words. Just like male CEO -

Kiri Pritchard-McLean, Pleasance Courtyard, 6pm

I’ve always been agnostic because I firmly believe in copping out of big decisions. -

Kate Lucas, Pleasance Courtyard, 10.30pm

It’s easy to give up on swimming. That’s how diving became a sport. -

Felicity Ward, Pleasance Courtyard, 9pm

If you want your child to have a head start in the science industry then consider naming it “Et Al”. Get its name on a lot of science papers straight away.-

Stuart Laws, Pleasance Courtyard, 6pm

My fat is a bit like Jeremy Corbyn. You just can’t get rid of it.-

Susan Calman, Pleasance Courtyard, 6.20pm

My grasp of similes is like something else. -

Goose, Assembly George Square, 4.30pm

My great-grandma died at 102 years, which is the same amount of time it takes to cancel a direct debit gym membership. -

Nick Cody, Assembly George Square, 9.20pm

I was the prettiest, cleverest girl in my class. I was home-schooled. -

Lou Sanders, Pleasance Dome, 8.10pm

In many ways racism is like cricket. Invented here but perfected in Australia. -

Nish Kumar, Pleasance Courtyard, 8pm

Apparently 1 in 3 Europeans are conceived in an Ikea bed which is mad because those stores are really well lit. -

Mark Smith, Cowgatehead, 5.30pm

I proposed in a restaurant that was playing Neil Diamond. Perfect, in hindsight, as his name is also a brief set of instructions for making a successful proposal. -

Simon Evans, Assembly George Square, 7pm

It’s tough being ginger. But I know there are far more important social justice movements and next to them we are pale by comparison. -

James Wilson Taylor, Underbelly, 5pm

When I’m listening to U2, I turn down the treble a little bit. Just to take the edge off.-

Darren Walsh, Pleasance Courtyard, 8.30pm

People say I’m egocentric but enough about them.-

Phil Nichol, Assembly Checkpoint, 9.45pm

Read more at: https://inews.co.uk/essentials/culture/50-best-jokes-edinburgh-fringe-2016/