45 of Frankie Boyle's funniest jokes

Since he first made his debut on Mock the Week in 2005, Frankie Boyle has delighted and shocked audiences with his dark pessimistic brand of humour.

Frankie Boyle is known for his dark and pessimistic humour (Photo: BBC)
Frankie Boyle is known for his dark and pessimistic humour (Photo: BBC)

More often than not, the Glaswegian’s gags are followed by a collective sharp intake of breath – and then laughter.

The comedian is back on the small screen this evening with Frankie Boyle’s New World Order – which will see his unabashed take on the bewildering events of 2017.

To celebrate, here are the comedian’s finest jokes (or at least the ones we can print).

Warning: adult humour follows (obviously)

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“Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!”

“I think we’re heading for a two state solution. Israel as a solid, Palestine vaporised into a gas.”

[On Donald Trump] “He’s sort of like a pumpkin having a nervous breakdown. He’s like a sort of corrupt tele-evangelist that Columbo would have as a baddie or something.”

“I’m very old now and I’ve got a body like a dropped lasagne. Women now look at my naked body in the same fearful way that pensioners look at snow.”

“Where is David Cameron now? Probably with chaps from his year at school on an Arms Industry jolly, betting on which blindfolded tramp can successfully cross the surface of a frozen lake.”

[On Jacob Rees-Mogg] “A composite figure drawn from the nightmares of 18th century millworkers. He looks like a Punch cartoon of the first giraffe in England.”

[To audience] “I feel like putting out a public service announcement at the start of the show saying ‘in the result of a fire you will all be better looking’.”

“We had the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow this year. A great choice of venue: a place where people think Hepatitis B is a vitamin.”

[On Scottish independence] “David Beckham sent the people of Scotland an open letter. An open letter – because he couldn’t work out how to get it into envelope.”

“Animals don’t watch porn, do they? Unless you include my cat.”

“People say that Steve Jobs died too soon. But I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude to battery life.”

“Corbyn sounds like a dreadful town, dresses like a catalogue model for the Sue Ryder shop and won’t look significantly different when he’s been dead for a week.”

“Three Million for the funeral of Margaret Thatcher? For Three Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.”

“It’s good they’re holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.”

[On the most Scottish thing he has ever seen] “I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o’clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and p*ssing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.”

“Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair’s put on weight and had a mild stroke.”

“What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you’ll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show.”

“Scientists have just built the world’s biggest supercollider, and they’re doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment’s successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.”

“People who think there’s no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase ‘Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack’.”

“When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.”

“RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they’ve launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir, it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.”

“I could never do what Tiger Woods did…I f***ing hate golf!”

“Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called Countdown?”

“I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, ‘I’m havin that!’”

“Piers Morgan says women send him their knickers in the post. Presumably with the message ‘From one t**t to another.’”

“The tragedy is that if Oscar Pistorius had no arms, this would never have happened.”

[On the Scottish referendum outcome] “I should have expected this, because if you’d asked me to estimate how many c***s there were in Scotland I’d have said about 2 million.”

“Cricket. No matter who wins, both teams, and all the fans, are losers.”

“If you get offended by any jokes, by the way, feel free to Tweet your outrage on a mobile phone made by a ten year old in China.”

“Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people, they’ll come back twenty years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.”

“Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Give him a fishing rod and he can feed himself. Alternatively, don’t poison the fishing waters, abduct his great-grandparents into slavery, then turn up 400 years later on your gap year talking a lot of s**te about fish.”

“I hate racism. I could never be racist. I haven’t finished hating all the white people yet.”

“Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.”

“If I was invisible for the day I think I’d kick a mime artist to death.”

“I couldn’t get tickets for the Olympic synchronised swimming so instead I watched a woman drown through a kaleidoscope.”

“One of the great things about being pro-independence is I get maybe half a dozen tweets a day telling me that I don’t understand economics from Rangers fans.”

“Consider how desperate these doctors are: so desperate that they want to talk to Jeremy Hunt. Surely even Hunt’s wife would rather spend a sleepless 72 hours gazing into a cracked open ribcage than talk to him?”

[On Ted Cruz] “A cross between a permanently disappointed sitcom vampire and the high school yearbook photo of every serial killer of the modern era.”

“You can actually make your own Trump policies by going through the incinerator at the Daily Mail and picking through the dust for anything they thought might get them prosecuted.”

“An ISIS caliphate is essentially the Vatican but with less sex.”

“BBC’s coverage of Gaza is as shameful as anything it has ever done. Except Mrs Brown’s Boys. Actually, there’s a bunch of stuff. Forget it.”

“Glasgow is a very negative place. If Kanye was born in Glasgow he would have been called No You Cannae.”

“There was quite a sad moment where Paul Golding, who’s the head of Britain First, turned his back on Sadiq Khan during his acceptance speech. I thought it’d be good if he’d accidentally turned to face Mecca.”

“The Queen keeping Rolf Harris’s hands busy for a week is probably the best thing she’s ever done.”

[On Boris Johnson] “He’s just there to divert us from the horrific things the government is planning, like a nodding dog stuck to a serial killer’s dashboard.”

Frankie Boyle’s New World Order is on BBC Two at 10pm tonight

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