I went to Butlin's for a week of non-stop entertainment - leaving me and the kids shattered

After five manic, hectic and ultimately wonderful days there, you can see why the slogan still runs true today, even though we are miles from the original days of knobbly knees competitions. After an exhausting half-term away, we needed to lie down in a darkened room for a bit, but that’s not a criticism; in fact quite the opposite.

We only live an hour away from Bognor so we’re almost on home turf but not over-familiar with the area. But to be honest, that site could be a ten-minute walk down the road as far as the kids were concerned - they were not in town for sightseeing and in our five days didn’t even leave the front gate. There simply weren’t enough hours in the day to do everything we wanted to do - and again, that’s no criticism.

Eddie, eight, and Rosanna, five, at Butlin's in Bognor Regis | Tom Morton/NationalWorld

So where to start? Well, the headline for the summer is - again - the Masked Singer Live shows, in which anyone watching can indulge their Saturday night January TV fantasies and shout “Take It Off!” at a real celebrity. No spoilers here, but the two who were unmasked when we were there were genuine household names - and were nicely pitched between difficult and guessable. It’s a great laugh, and the hour-long show flashes past.

The other attraction is - again Saturday night telly-based - meeting actual real-life Gladiators. This time it’s not a spoiler to say that we had our picture taken with Sabre and Fire. Beware though - it’s such a popular event, even though it’s just a meet and greet and not a show, that the queue is enormous, so be prepared for a wait of up to 90 minutes.

Tom Morton and his family meet Sabre and Fire from Gladiators | Tom Morton/NationalWorld

While those two top the bill, our favourite show of the week was Electric Wonderland, who we had seen in an earlier incarnation as Electric City a couple of years ago. If you’ve seen Blackout on Britain’s Got Talent, you’ll know where they are coming from; very accomplished dancers but with neon lighting on their black bodysuits that allows intricate and pleasing patterns, witty visual jokes and dazzling effects to be staged. It’s the kind of performance you could watch for hours.

The start of Electric Wonderland's show | Tom Morton/NationalWorld

Other shows we saw were the panto - Snow White and her Magnificent Friends - which saw Muddles and his mother bring the house down, and Animals and Mythical Beasts, a strange but charming mash-up of environmentalism, comedy, super-size puppetry and storytelling, which was also a hit. There was also Danny and Mick from CBBC with their bungled magic tricks, and SBX Extreme Playgrounds, with street stars showcasing basketball, street dance, football and beatboxing skills - all of which wowed an eight-year-old - and the in-house show, Iconic, which was a musical trip around the world. That was probably the only bum note, as the concept didn’t really work, although the guest Kenyan dance troupe given a slot in each half were sensational.

Just reading that back seems exhausting, and we haven’t even covered the two things that topped the kids’ favourites list. Firstly, the swimming pool. It’s been a favourite for a couple of years now, and for anyone who hasn’t had the pleasure, imagine a swimming pool, but designed by a (skilled) child, for children. It’s very difficult to do actual swimming - instead you spend your time on a variety of slides, including a raft run, an enclosed chute called Adrenaline, and two traditional whizz-alongs called the Stick of Rock and the Racers. There’s also the rapids - which are more fun the lighter you are, as the five-year-old almost hit warp speed in one section, plus fountains, a helter skelter, and hot tubs. It’s easily two hours, if not more, of fun - we went twice and both times emerged wrinkled as prunes from the long time spent in the water.

The racer slides at Splash Bognor, the swimming pool at Butlin's Bognor Regis

And new to us was PlayXperience. This has been a while in the making as it was being built when we were last here in 2023, but goodness me it has some kit inside it, a range of traditional games but all updated with oodles of tech included. We had a crack at three of the rooms. Tech Putt is basically crazy golf - we were in Neon, which is as you’d expect dark with bright lights, and there are also Vegas and Music-themed versions.

Tech Putt Neon at Butlin's Bognor Regis | Butlin's

Yes, it was great playing golf in a darkened room, and the course was pitched (pun intended) so even the five-year-old could get round quite easily. For all the fact that it looks amazing, the thing that wowed me was that each player’s ball was tagged to them, and somehow the system counted your shots; it didn’t matter who went first, and there was no annoying mini pencil and tiny piece of card on which to scrawl numbers. Honestly, a huge improvement in modern life. I’ll keep that and internet banking, but anything else invented after 2004 can get in the bin.

The VR-cade in Bognor Butlin's PlayXperience centre | Butlin's

VR-cade was even more mindblowing, especially to me as someone who has not kept up with computer games and has not often worn a VR headset. We played shoot’em-ups where you got the shock of your life when you turned around to confront a hideous alien behind you, driving simulators, and best of all, rides and rollercoasters where your heart was in your mouth even though you knew full well that your seat was only tilting by a few degrees and you were not going to be catapulted across the room.

Tom Morton and his family in the Laser Tag arena at Butlin's Bognor Regis's PlayXperience centre | Tom Morton/NationalWorld

And our final trip to PlayXperience was to Laser Tag. Somehow I have gone through life without ever playing this, but after 45 minutes I’m converted. Brilliant fun, very sweaty, but utterly exhilarating.

Rosanna and Eddie with Billy the Bear | Tom Morton/NationalWorld

Mix into this fairground rides, bowling, the new soft play and some pottery painting, and it’s obvious why the eight-year-old said that he felt half-term had lasted for ages. That’s what happens when you pack in that many activities into five days; so much so that you don’t even go to the beach when it is but a pebble’s throw away. We were, indeed, Delighted.