Tom English: 'There may be no "i" in team but there certainly is one in Colin'

In a week that offered up no end of odd moments - from golf balls landing in umbrellas and punters taking shelter in wheelie bins - perhaps the strangest came when Colin Montgomerie was asked on Wednesday about his personal highlight from all his years playing in the Ryder Cup.

• Full (of himself) Monty: Despite his frequent proclamations of the magnitude of his achievements, Colin Montgomerie's game is in rag order. Photograph: Ian Rutherford

"No personal highlight," Monty responded, with that earnest look of his. "Not one." People started to giggle at this point. Was he being serious? Of course not. He was winding us up, the old rogue. No highlight? Brilliant, big man.

"This event, personally, has meant nothing to me and still doesn't, personally," he added. Now the occasional giggle made way for genuine laughter. Monty has had more personal highlights in the Ryder Cup than most. His whole career is full of personal highlights. He has said so about a million times over the years. "How is he keeping a straight face?" we marvelled. "Fantastic gag, Monty. Now, come on, tell us what you really think."

But Monty's demeanour didn't alter. Slowly the realisation dawned that he wasn't joking. He was actually expecting everybody to buy this. "No personal highlight," he said. "But as a team, and as a European Tour, it means the world to me. I had ample opportunity to go to America and join the US tour as a player when I was number one in Europe. Never took it. Always supported the European Tour and the European cause and that's why I'm here, for Europe."

There's "no 'i' in team," Monty pointed out. Anybody who has spent any amount of time in his vicinity over the last 20 years, who has seen his narcissism up close, knows that while there is indeed no "i" in team, there is most definitely an "i" in Colin. There was an "i" in Colin every time he mentioned that nobody in Ryder Cup history has won as many singles matches as he has, there was an "i" in Colin the day he described the 2004 Ryder Cup victory at Oakland Hills as "my major", there was an "i" in Colin when he greeted his appointment as captain of the 2010 team with some dreams of victory. "Winning captain?" he mused. "That would complete my Ryder Cup legacy, wouldn't it?"

There is no doubt that Monty has basked in his Ryder Cup record. And he has had every right to. He's been a magnificent player. One of the all-time greats in these matches. If you can't revel in your own achievements then there is something far wrong, which made his "this means nothing" speech a little bit silly. Frankly, hardly anybody believed a word of it.

The Ryder Cup has consumed Monty for the last 20 months. And he's loved every minute of it. As we all know, he lives for the spotlight. There can't be too many guys in the history of the game who have revelled in being centre stage as much as he has. And this begs a question.When we move on from here this week, when the Cup is won or lost and the cheering stops ringing in his ears, when we go back to the real world, what will Monty do next?

His game is in rag order. The other day he spoke about making a challenge for a place in the team at Medinah in two years' time, but unless he retrieves his form from the garbage then he's not going to get within a hundred miles of it. There is no evidence whatsoever - apart from in his own mind - that he has it within him to get back to that level. The last time he finished in the top ten in any tournament was in June 2008. Since his near-miss in the US Open at Winged Foot in 2006, Monty has played in 13 majors and has missed the cut in ten of them. He was 42nd at the 2007 USPGA. That's as good as it has been for him these past years.

It's going to be a huge shock for him - from being at the heart of the game to being on the periphery in the space of a week. How does he get the fix now? It must be a terrifying prospect for a man who has a similar view of publicity as he has of breathing. Where does he get his ego boost from, now that the Ryder Cup is close to an end and his competitiveness as a player looks to be over? How does he stay relevant when the circus folds its tents and moves on? You really have to wonder.

Steer clear of Tour

Alex Salmond is here at Celtic Manor, soaking up the atmosphere and seeing what tips he can learn ahead of Gleneagles 2014. He loves his golf, that's obvious. He's got a lesson with Bob Torrance. "Best game in the world," he says, and, in fairness, he's backing up his interest with policies and money. Half a million a year is going towards a programme that is designed to get all nine-year-old kids in Scotland switched on to the joys of the sport. He reckons that this year alone, 37,000 Primary 5 children have been introduced to golf.

Terrific stuff, it has to be said. But Salmond lost us when he spoke about the legacy of 2014. Scotland is hosting the Ryder Cup and the Commonwealth Games in four years' time, but wants to kick on and host other events.

The Government is campaigning to bring a stage of the Tour de France to the country. You cannot go from a positive thing such as young kids being taught how to play golf to inviting one of the most cheat-ridden sports in the world to your door without asking for criticism.

The Tour is in disgrace. Dopers prosper. Liars abound. Scotland shouldn't have anything to do with it.