Tom English: Big song and dance over the haka

We’ve surely all seen it. God help us, but it’s a lamentable thing. There are those in the game who privately reckon the haka – the real version performed by real All Blacks in front of real people who really want to see it – should be outlawed forever more on the grounds that it’s over-used and over-blown, its ability to thrill disappearing round about the time the Rubix Cube was considered cool, but I say no. Keep the haka but make it a criminal offence for drunkards to perform it. Zero tolerance for that kind of thing. Ka mate, Ka mate – you’re nicked, son.

And here’s something else we should do with the haka – the real version performed by real All Blacks in front of real people who really want to see it. We should challenge the pomposity and hypocrisy that has built up around it. We should allow opposing teams to do whatever the hell they want to do when faced with it, within reason. England should be allowed to Morris dance, Ireland should be allowed to River dance, Scotland should be permitted to do a Highland Fling. The International Rugby Board say it’s all about the Maori culture and the world needs to respect it. But it’s not. It’s about 22 guys attempting to intimidate 22 other guys. The culture argument is about as tired as the dance itself.

The IRB have fined France for their response to the haka before Sunday’s World Cup final. It’s laughable, but true.

When the French arranged themselves into a form of human arrow-head and marched downfield to face the haka it was probably their most impressive performance of the tournament to that point. Previously limp and disinterested, the French suddenly found themselves and all the menace and all the pride that was so abysmally lacking in their earlier games was now here in force. At last, France were making a statement and even 12,000 miles removed from Eden Park it was easy to appreciate the drama of the moment. It was a piece of rugby theatre that will live long in the memory.

Apparently, all of New Zealand’s opponents had been warned that they could not advance on the haka. Seemingly, France took their defiance a little too close to the All Blacks for the IRB’s comfort. Hence the sanction. The IRB state: “As with other in-tournament breaches of the tournament cultural ritual protocol and as per pre-tournament communication with teams, RWCL (Rugby World Cup Limited) will impose the standard sanction of £2500.”

Now, it’s important to point out that the All Blacks were not affronted by what the French did, nor, it seems, were their fans. In fact, some of the victorious Kiwis have come out in support of the French in saying that the fine was out of order. But hold on. The IRB didn’t just decide off their own bat to include a stipulation that all of New Zealand’s rivals needed to stand well back and let them get on with their cultural prance. The rule was there because there has been so much griping about this over the years, so much weeping about how the haka represents New Zealand’s identity and how it must be treated with maximum respect by all nations.

Last year, the Australian women’s team were fined for moving too close to the Silver Ferns’ haka. The Kiws threw the toys out of the pram a few years back when the Welsh, hosting the All Blacks at the Millennium, requested that they perform the haka before the home national anthem. The New Zealanders were outraged, refused and did their dance in the dressing room instead. How feeble. Surely if all they were interested in doing was marking their culture and identity it wouldn’t matter when they did their haka, right? But, no. Because they couldn’t do it just before kick-off they didn’t want to do it all, not in public anyway.

“It’ll be a sad day for fans everywhere if we start to erode the tradition,” said the All Blacks manager, Darren Shand. Richie McCaw agreed. “The tradition needs to be honoured properly if we’re going to do it,” he said. Don’t do it, then. World rugby won’t mind nearly as much as you think, Richie. Honest.

Tradition or rampant commercialism? Last month, a car dealer in Auckland was paid a visit by representatives of the New Zealand Rugby Football Union. The guy, Colin Giltrap, had hung a banner above his garage in support of his rugby team. ‘Go The All Blacks’ it said in giant white lettering. The NZRFU told Giltrap that he was in breach of their trademark and ordered him to take down the sign.

And the haka? Well, there was a row about that, too. It went on for quite a few years actually. In 2009, the Ngati Toa tribe was granted intellectual property rights to the haka. The tribe threatened to trademark parts of it. Was copyrighting their dance part of their culture, too? A legal battle was mooted, but a deal was done. John Key, the New Zealand prime minister, even got involved when saying that if a business wanted to use the haka in an advert or any promotional-type activity then there should be a “recognition of the tribe’s cultural interests.”

Cultural interests? Did he not mean hard cash?

Tradition? Let’s talk about it. Have you ever seen how All Black teams used to perform the haka? From the early 1900s to the 1980s, the haka was an hilarious hokey cokey style thing, the players looking mortified as they did it which was no great surprise because it was a laugh out loud, left-leg-in-left-leg-out-left-leg-in-and-shake-it-all-about routine. It was utterly priceless. If the modern-day All Blacks want to honour their forefathers then they’d cut out this threatening, demonic Ka Mate or its little brother, Kapa O Pango, and they’d get back to a dance that would be more akin to something Upsy Daisy or Iggle Piggle would do during the kids programme In The Night Garden.

The IRB can introduce rules that protect the rights of the All Blacks to reflect their culture in dance, but what is going here is more about the marketing of Brand All Black and Brand Haka than anything else. It’s about showbusiness now. It’s also about gaining a psychological advantage over an opponent and expecting him to stand there and take it on the chin while the All Black body language screams murder.

The IRB should have better things to do than punish the French for their act of defiance on Sunday morning. Off the top of my head I can think of two dozen things that they could be busying themselves with rather than sanctioning a team that should be applauded. As for the haka? I long for the day when Scotland greet the strains of ka mate, ka mate with a slow walk and a raised kilt.