Your shout: Even in the snow, it's a jungle out there

FRUSTRATED football fans didn't know what to do with themselves at the weekend, with all but one of the senior matches in Scotland called off because of the recent heavy snowfall.

First on the line yesterday was Clare Condron from Balmullo, who also rang last week to complain that the postponement of the Dundee United v Rangers match left her subjected to an afternoon of "listening to my husband and father-in-law talk mince about people called Wanger and Katie Wastrel".

This week wasn't much better for poor old Clare, who ranted: "This one is going to end up in the courts if I have to put up with any more gibbering about Mary from Tescos who has apparently 'checked out' this week. If I see her down the store this week she'll be hearing all about it from me - away on a jolly while a starving nation was clearing the supermarket shelves in a time of national crisis.

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"And it's going to get worse. What am I going to do on Monday night, when we should have been playing Dundee to help fill their begging bowl? If I hear as much as a chirp about that Gillian McBeal woman in the jungle, that pair in the living room will be eating cockroaches through a straw for the rest of their natural."

Chill, Clare, you might be letting this one get to you a bit. Unlike your near neighbour Norma from Newburgh, who is very relaxed about having to miss the Fife derby at Central Park tomorrow night. "Cowdenbeath v Dunfermline on a cold, dark winter's night - perish the thought," said Norma. "I've had more fun in a three-week power cut. In fact I'm told that's how Ballingry was created."

Next on the line was Yuri McClougherty from Moscow, who is overjoyed that the World Cup finals are coming his way in 2018. "I'm from the other Moscow, in East Ayrshire," said Yuri, "but I've been assured that our village is going to be one of the host venues in 2018. With a population of 141, we're actually three times the size of Qatar, and they're getting the full floor show in 2022.

"My wee pal Vlad has been good to his word so far. He said he wouldn't visit us, and right enough, he hasn't. Just like England did, I knew that was a sign."

Last call was Erchie from Alloa. "I'd like to say that after the magnificent efforts to clear the slow, Saturday's game against Peterhead was a pleasure to attend," he said. " But I can't, because I couldn't be ersed leaving the hoose.."