Scottish football briefing - 25 August

Aberdeen

Following Aberdeen's humiliation at the hands of Queen's Park in the CIS Cup, Jimmy Calderwood has commissioned extra levels of tanning for his good self this week in a desperate attempt to hide his blushes. All the tanning in the world may not make a difference though, as reports flood in that his job is on the line.

Mr Calderwood was also raging at a lacklustre Paisley display last weekend, but he shouldn't expect too much of his squad – St Mirren are third in the SPL after all.

On the transfer front, making a mockery of my deluded predictions last week, Aberdeen confirmed the capture of Dan Smith and Dyron Daal (Sun).

Celtic

The whole Stilian Petrov malarkey is getting more than tedious now, 7 million seems to be the minimum price for the midfield dynamo who's being courted by Portsmouth and Aston Villa. He'll go to Villa now that Randy Lerner's finally secured a controlling interest in the 'sleeping giants' of Midlands football. So that's Petrov to Villa before the end of the transfer window and I'll go out on a limb here and say he'll cost them a lot more than he's worth. Football economics right there for you.

Lee Naylor's move from Wolves to the Hoops seems a slightly odd one, a left back for a left back and a couple of quid into the bargain (Daily Record). Charlie Mulgrew should be swapping Paradise for the Black Country which is something of a backwards step in anyone's language. It only seems like yesterday that he was being trumpeted as one of the bright young things at the Bhoys. Oh well, Naylor's a decent player, so hey ho.

Interest in Shakthar Donetsk's Timoschuk has cooled, however Celtic are reportedly on the brink of signing Thomas Gravesen just hours after landing Jan Venegoor of Hesselink. The Dutch striker's unusual name has an interesting story behind it. Something about two families of equal standing, a disputed marriage and a nomenclature compromise. Did I say interesting? Anyway Gravesen has been released by Real Madrid but the Hoops could face a fight with Newcastle for the midfielder (Sun). And Everton. Bolton. Man City. Portsmouth. And every other fair to middling club in the Premiership.

Dundee Utd

It doesn't seem like anyone wants to join the Terrors, as they look to be missing out on Ian Black and Darren Dods. But Jomo Cosmos trialist Chris Katongo may buck the trend and sign over the weekend. He was the character that was on the verge of joining the Dons until Jimmy Calderwood got upset that he was being hawked around every club in the SPL. One can only hope, for Craig Brewster's sake, that he stopped off at Inverness Caley, that seems to make a player so much more attractive to the Tannadice boss.

Paul Ritchie has had his contract terminated (there is something beautifully ruthless about that phrase) and is training with the Cypriot team 'Amonia Nicosia'. I'm fairly convinced Paul Ritchie used to be a decent player, but that was a long time ago and we've all let ourselves go since then. I for one can no longer do a handstand, so think on that Paul Ritchie. Think on that.

Craig Brewster has said he will wait a few weeks before deciding to offer Lee Wilkie a permanent deal (Daily Record). The 26-year-old Scotland international has been training with United for a fortnight and has reportedly 'delighted' Brewster with his performance, however he wants complete confidence in the player's knee before taking things to another level. Let's all hope Land Rover-gate gets sorted out as well. That's been a worry.

Dunfermline

Mark de Vries has snubbed the Pars to go back home on a year-long loan for Den Haag, but such a blow could be softened if Jim Hamilton arrives at East End Park (Daily Express). Jim Leishman has described his pursuit of Hamilton as "not rocket science". Neither is it doughnut juggling, nor is it a coup d'etat in a little known Central American junta. I could go on. I won't. But I could.

Dunfermline will have to play without 11 first-team players when the team faces Aberdeen tomorrow, after being struck down by a spate of injuries (Daily Record). The latest to be crocked is Calum Woods, who has been ruled out for a fortnight with a badly bruised toe. He joins another 10 players expected to miss the Pittodrie clash, namely Scott Thomson, Scott Morrison, Jim McIntyre, Noel Whelan, Freddie Daquin, Scott Muirhead, Aaron Labonte, Mark Burchill, Greg Shields and Stephen Simmons. I bruised my toe once, but it never stopped me playing Aberdeen. Not that I was asked. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

Falkirk

The Bairns have jumped on the bandwagon this week and declared an interest in taking Calum Elliot on loan from Hearts, with big Yogi feeling much relied on Elliot's performance against AEK Athens. So ten minutes at the end as the Tynecastle outfit try to make the best of a spectacularly bad job. But yes, anyway. Elliot to Falkirk, move of the season.

Hearts

So Hearts crash out of the Champions League in true farcical style. One sent off for, among other things, an earring offence, and a rather spectacular two footed lunge from Southampton legend Neil McCann. There will be gloom around Tynecastle as they languish fifth in the SPL, but what odds a UEFA Cup win? Long I should imagine. Very, very long. Spurs are nailed on for the cup as we all know.

Meanwhile, Hearts skipper Steven Pressley claims the Jambos need better referees to give them a break in Europe (Daily Record). He said of the team's performance in Athens: "It was a fantastic performance but over the two legs – and I'm not one to blame officials – refereeing decisions cost us dearly. The decision against Julian seemed very harsh and a gripe of ours was that a lot of the AEK players were also wearing jewellery." Keeper Craig Gordon has also pointed the finger at referee Yuri Baskakov for a series of decisions which sealed the side's fate at the Champion's League qualifier (Daily Mirror). That and falling asleep at the end of the Murrayfield tie of course. That can't have helped.

Remaining as controversial as ever, it seems the Andy Webster transfer to Wigan is under investigation. So, let me get this straight – Hearts don't want him? Check. He has stuck to his contract rules? Check. But Hearts have asked FIFA to investigate the move? Check. Rook to Knight's Pawn 4? Check.

Hibernian

In yet more FIFA-investigating nonsense it seems the Hibees' new boy wonder, Merouane Zemmama, may still be contracted to Raja Casablanca (BBC Online). However, Hibs supremo Rod Petrie says they've done nothing wrong, and reports are conflicting as to whether FIFA will lift a finger or not.

The Hibees were back to their brilliant best this week, positively destroying Peterhead and SPL whipping boys Motherwell. A sterner test awaits them on Saturday at Celtic Park.

Meanwhile, Hibs defender Dermot McCaffrey has joined Queen of the South on loan. The Northern Ireland under-21 player will play with the side until early next year (Daily Record).

Inverness CT

It seems Ian Black may finally commit this week and sign a contract extension, ending the long running Craig Brewster bid to tempt the midfield man to Tannadice (Daily Record). It's been undignified, slightly embarrassing and, to be fair, really rather amusing. So: well played Mr Brewster, well played indeed.

Caley boss Charlie Christie is hoping to secure funding for a nationwide scouting network for the team (Daily Record). The manager is keen to persuade new chairman Alan Savage to stump up more cash, claiming his summer transfer budget is limited. He said: "I am keen to get in one more player before the window closes, either a defender or wide attacker, but we only have seven days to do something so it is difficult. Last week, I looked at every single player from every single team in Scotland to see if anybody jumped out at me but the only ones who did, such as Shunsuke Nakamura or Dado Prso would cost millions." Set those sights high Charlie. Dundee United's future transfer policy depends on it.

Kilmarnock

David Fernandez finally signed on the dotted line this week for the only club he ever wanted to play for (Daily Mirror). Livingston, Celtic and Dundee United fans will all bear testament to the Spanish showpony's occasional moments of inspiration. I've grown rather fond of the wee character over the last few weeks, and can only hope he turns it on for Killie. Or at the very least scores one 40 yard wonder goal, just one, that would be fine.

Stephen Naismith's not going to Manchester United. We know that much. He might be going somewhere else, that's another possibility. It's like trying to read a newspaper at the bottom of a muddy puddle sometimes. Anyway, he'll go somewhere. Possibly Derby. That one is picked out of the air and is based on no evidence whatsoever. Do with it as you will.

Motherwell

Jim Hamilton's off to Dunfermline and the possible signing of Calum Elliot on loan (that's if he's not on loan at Falkirk, of course) will bring a vibrant youthful air to Fir Park. Once again I'm still rather fond of Maurice Malpas and would love to see him make a success of things with the Steelmen. Are they still called the Steelmen? Were they are ever? Who knows.

Rangers

Nearing the Ibrox exit this week are Nacho Novo, Allan McGregor and Hamed Namouchi. I once sat in front of Hamed Namouchi at a Rangers game. As I remember it was the day the Bears signed Nuno Capucho and the glamourous playmaker was applauded to his seat. That was the last time he was applauded anywhere at Ibrox. And I was there. One to tell the grandchildren.

Clearing the decks may make way for Sasa Papac from Austria Vienna, despite reports he is injured, it seems the deal may still be on. Of course it is! Remember Daniel Prodan anyone?

St Mirren

Missing out on Charlie Mulgrew as he headed to Wolverhampton Wanderers, I doubt anyone around Paisley will care. Third in the SPL and a comprehensive 3-1 defeat of Stenhousemuir in the CIS Cup, the Buddies are flying right now. I read somewhere that Gus MacPherson has warned the football viewing masses not to expect the Saints to be pretty. To be fair Gus, I'm not sure anyone expected them to be gracing the covers of Vogue.

First Division

Clyde finally got round to axeing Graham Roberts this week "on the grounds of gross misconduct" (BBC online). Allegations of racism and anti-Semitic remarks would not be commented on by the Bully Wee. He lived down the road from me when he was at Rangers. I once saw him mowing his lawn in little more than a pair of shorts. Yes, yes I am very well connected. I once had a kickabout with Mark Hateley and saw Basile Boli parking his car, a friend babysat for Brian Laudrup's children. I am that glamorous.

Ayr United are thought to be making a bid for 29 year-old Paul Walker (The Sun), but claims that it isn't the footballer but the Fast and the Furious star are unsubstantiated. I'd rather have Vin Diesel anyway. Is his name Vincent then? Or just Vin? I may write and ask.

Second Division

The mighty Alloa did the Second Division proud knocking out First Division outfit Ross County in the CIS Cup. Get it right up ye County! I've never really liked Ross County since they came to Boghead and stole three points by relentlessly booting Paddy Flannery up in the air. Booooo.

Stranraer have strengthened their squad, adding goalkeeper Scott Black from Maryhill Juniors, and James McKinstry from Ayr United.

It seems St Johnstone's Neil Janczyk may be joining Raith Rovers on loan.

Third Division

Dumbarton FC have a new fan's favourite according to the BBC. Stephen Dobbie has signed on loan from St Johnstone, and is already doing the business, grabbing a man of the match award, and scoring against Caley Thistle in the cup. You've got to love those Sons…it's the law. I do wonder how Pellie the Elephant's getting on these days.

Big story from the Third this week, and indeed Scotland, is Queen's Park's slaying of Aberdeen. Many congratulations to the amateur outfit. There have been reports of some saying "So whit? It was only Aberdeen", but I reckon all the praise is deserved.

Premiership

Let's start with a nice juicy quote this week, courtesy of Uli Hoeness, head honcho at Bayern Munich, accusing Owen Hargreaves of "prostituting yourself for Manchester United"! As if this wasn't enough, Hoeness also made some comments regarding "never be taken for a ride and become weak at the knees." Phew! Think I'll need to go lie down.

As with last week there has been a host of gossip and rumours, with the following some of the choice titbits: Obafemi Martins to Newcastle for 10million, Luis Boa Morte to possibly join Tottenham, or maybe it'll be Stewart Downing for a fee of 8million? William Gallas off to AC Milan, or will it be Arsenal with Ashley Cole finally getting his ticket out of there? Jonathan Woodgate to Middlesbrough on loan, and if the papers are to be believed – Steve Sidwell (Reading) and David Nugent (Preston) would join him on Teeside.

Lucas Lobos for a fee of 10m (The Independent) from Cadiz to Liverpool is another one doing the rounds. As well as Jose Antonio Reyes to join Atletico Madrid from Arsenal, Robert Huth to head for Newcastle, and Jose-Pierre Fanfan to end his Ibrox misery and sign for Bolton.

Actual transfers this week have seen "The Cannibal" Boulahrouz join the foreign ranks of Chelsea. Andre Ooijer signs for Blackburn from PSV for a fee in the region of 2million, and Mathieu Berson has left Aston Villa for Levante.

Miracle of miracles though – Newcastle have managed to punt Boumsong to Juventus for 3.3million! Can you remember the last time a club made a $4.7m loss on a player, yet it was still regarded as really good business?

Best laid claims

Nicolas Anelka's finally joined his 10,000th English club. This time Bolton are the lucky, lucky side to secure his services. It's was nailed on for him to join the Gaydamak revolution at Portsmouth. But it all went wrong. I'd had my shirt printed and everything.