Anthony Brown: You can't escape derby banter . .

BRACE yourselves, folks. Derby week has arrived and Gibby the Hibby and Rambo the Jambo are having it out in their local.

Gibby: You must be dreadin' Sunday, Rambo, the Cabbage are flying now and you boys look like you just want the season to end.

Rambo: You're getting a bit carried away are you no'? You're still in the bottom six and we're still well clear in third. And we've no' lost to your mob for almost two years.

G: Don't get me started about that one, Rambo. I still mind Deeko putting away his penalty at the PBS (Pink Bus Shelter). We were missing half a team that night and still beat you.

R: Missin' half a team. That was the same line you hit me with when we beat you 4-0 in the biggest derby ever at Hampden five years ago.

G: Na mate, the biggest derby ever was in 1973 when we thrashed you 7-0. On your own patch. And we were missin' half a team in that Hampden semi.

R: You were missing half a support more like. Thousands o' ye came dressed as seats.

G: At least we play fitba the way it's supposed to be played - on the flair!

R: Dinnae start wi' that myth, fitba's all about winning matches and we've won mair than you this season.

G: 6-2.

R: 1902. Buffalo Bill was 52.

G: Youse keep goin' on about that but who was the last team to win a cup?

R: The diddy cup disnae count. When did you last win the big cup?

G: Ten men couldnae carry . ?. ?.

R: Nade doesn't even play for us any more. We've got Kevin Kyle now. He's far better and he's already scored a winner against you lot.

G: Aye but he's injured and when he disnae play, you lot struggle.

R: Don't you worry about us - Lockey will have the dressing-room well up for it.

G: That means nothing. Jim Jefferies cannae cope with the Hibees - 7-0 and 6-2 for a start. He was even the Killie manager when the Cabbage won the League Cup.

R: Well how come we've won all four derbies since he came back? You better watch out or you could be lookin' at another 22 in a row if we keep going like this.

G: No chance of that, we'll be fine once CC gets a summer transfer window behind him. Anyway, we've forgotten what it's like to get beat. I canny see how we can possibly lose this week.

R: Mind the Zaliukas game when we spoiled your party after the League Cup. You should ken by now, Gibby, form means nothing in the derby.

Barman: Right boys, that's closing time, you can continue this outside.

Best of friends, but best of enemies when it comes to football, Gibby and Rambo head for home arguing about who was the better player - Franck Sauzee or John Robertson. One of them knows they're in for a serious ribbing on Sunday if their team gets beat, but their passion gets the better of them in an unwinnable argument.

Gibbys and Rambos will be found all across Edinburgh this week - in pubs, workplaces, school playgrounds and even on the internet. In the grand scheme, Sunday's might not be the most eagerly-awaited Edinburgh derby ever staged, but try telling anyone who cares a jot about Hibs and Hearts that there's nothing at stake .?.?.

Hats off to . . .

Andy Gray and Richard Keys. Say what you like about their antics at Sky Sports, but I stumbled across their new radio show on Talksport last week and it was a really good listen. Unlike many on that radio station, the duo offered balanced and insightful debate without sensationalising everything. They also had some good guests on and were quite happy to talk about lower-league affairs.

Not a fan of . .

Robert Snodgrass not starting yesterday. I'm loving how the Scotland squad is developing at the moment and I know Craig Levein was obviously taking the safety-first approach by playing defender Steven Whittaker in midfield, but Snodgrass – who is not shy of doing his defensive work – is currently playing in a different stratosphere to any other wide player we have.

La la land

WHAT a motley bunch our country's finest looked on the golf course in La Manga last week. You can imagine the tone of the conversation when the Scotland squad rocked up at the course to pick up their golf clubs. "Hola senores, who's the stag then?" Craig Levein: "Oh no, we're not a stag party. We're the Scottish national football team. We're here to bond." "Ah, my apologies senor. What about him in the crazy yellow trousers, then? Is he one of your famous Tartan Army?" Levein: "No, he's one of our most experienced midfielders and captain of Glasgow Celtic." Just as well Broonie and Co didn't try and return to the course later in the week. As ex-Hearts duo Graeme Weir and Neil Janczyk will testify after being ordered to run up and down the steps of the Tynecastle stands with golf bags on their backs in 2004, Levein isn't a fan of players golfing within 72 hours of a match.

Bamboozled by talk of a Samba

A COUPLE of thoughts from the past week. I'm a bit befuddled by all this talk of 'samba' over the past week or so. As far as I could tell, it was a football match being played at the Emirates yesterday, with the only real evidence of dancing (if you could call it that) coming from the well-oiled Tartan Army.

Then again, word has it that barely a sentence has been spoken in Rio de Janeiro without reference to 'Craig Levein's Highland Fling merchants' or 'the dark blue Gay Gordons stars'. On another note, while filling out the Census, I wonder how many Tangerine-inclined jokers in the Tayside area couldn't resist ticking the 'Arab' option in the 'what is your ethnicity?' section.