The weirdest memorabilia released to mark the Queen’s Platinum jubilee

The weirdest memorabilia released to mark the Queen’s Platinum JubileeThe weirdest memorabilia released to mark the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee
The weirdest memorabilia released to mark the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee | The weirdest memorabilia released to mark the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee

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The Queen’s 70th year on the throne is being celebrated with a host of gorgeous, high-end memorabilia. And then there’s these things

In anticipation of the Platinum Jubilee celebration, we trawled online stores in search of the most gorgeous, elegant pieces of memorabilia to mark Queen Elizabeth II’s historic reign.

However, during our jaunt through all things jubbly, we discovered that all merchandise designed to celebrate the monarchy is not created equal.

The Platinum ‘jubbly’ and crazy leggings

You may have read the story of the Chinese manufacturer that accidentally created some 10,600 commemorative tea sets, mugs and decorative plates with the inscription “the Platinum Jubbly of Queen Elizabeth II” on them by mistake.

You can currently purchase these errata-marked pieces of table-ware at a designated store online.

But while the Jubbly mugs were a sincere printing error, the more unusual memorabilia we encountered seem to have been created intentionally.

These more bizarre pieces of Platinum paraphernalia may be sincerely intended as celebrations of Her Majesty.

Alternatively, they may be a subtle means of undermining the fact that an accident of birth determines the head of the UK’s state and church (and that we get to fund those who won this genetic lottery).

What you believe may depend on your cynicism/politics. Or tolerance for leggings emblazoned with an elderly lady’s face.

Here’s the cream of the crop

Platinum Jubilee Original Throw Blanket

So you’re a royal subject on the streets, but are you one between the sheets?

Cosy up in the bosomy embrace of the crown with this commemorative fleece. Ideal for setting the scene if you’re bringing a new paramour home. Maybe.

Queen Jubilee Soft Toy Set

Purchase the Queen Kevin-the-Carrot soft toy. At night, when you close your eyes, her image will flicker beneath your eyelids. You’ll hear scurrying across the floorboards. Spy a flash of purple and orange our of the corner of your eye. And finally, this nightmare creation will strike...

Queen Dabbing Baby Onesie

We understand, and fully agree, that almost any image looks cute if you slap it on a baby’s onesie.

We also understand, sort of, that someone suitably dedicated to the monarchy might want to place the royal insignia or even Madge’s famous face on their child’s onesies.

We have to admit, though, if you asked us the rationale behind putting a cartoon of the Queen and her guards dabbing on a baby’s onesie... we’re a little lost.

Cute, though.

Queens Jubilee Chocolate Orange Cover

Shopping for someone who has everything?

We’d wager they don’t have a Queen’s Jubilee themed cover for chocolate oranges. Or at least they won’t have a matching set. Sort it out for them.*

*chocolate orange not included.

Corgi Celebrating Queen Elizabeth's Platinum Jubilee 2022 Leggings

Jubilee leggings are a fiercely competitive market (yes, really), though for our money nothing is more jauntily celebratory than these regal Corgis.

Suspect they’re what ERII wears when she’s taking a little me time.

Platinum Jubilee Portable Wood-Fired Oven

We’re a little surprised that premium pizza oven brand Deli Vita chose to align themselves with the royals, whose associations of late with the Italian delicacy haven’t been the most salubrious.

That said, Deli Vita create some of the best performing wood-fire pizza ovens on the market - this stunning portable number looks great, is easy to use, and cooks pizzas to perfection in a little over a minute. Better than heading to Pizza Express.

Elizabeth II 2 Platinum Jubilee Leggings

We told you the world of Platinum Jubilee leggings was a crowded one and, frankly, these are the most terrifying pair.

Want to wrap your thighs in the image of the Queen in a succession of multi-coloured outfits? May we politely ask... why?

The Queen’s Royal Corgi Mini Skirt

Marvel have recently released a film in which they chart a man’s descent into what they call the “multiverse of madness”.

I suspect the true multiverse of madness can be reached by staring at the crotch of this mini-skirt.

Queen & Corgi Air Freshener

Nothing says, “mmmm, fresh air” like the prospect of a nonagenarian and a dog, right?

Platinum Jubilee Sloper Seat

“That’s not weird,” you cry.

Ok, a purple bench you can nab for a mere £750 emblazoned with the legend ‘XXXX celebrates the platinum jubilee 2022’ may not be weird, but let us hope it is the nadir of late-stage capitalism.

Queen Drawstring Bag

“Elizabeth II/ The Queen/ The Myth/ The Legend” proclaims this duffel bag, conveniently ignoring the fact that two of those epithets are completely inaccurate.

Union Jack MorphSuit

There’s a metaphor in the notion of wearing a Union Jack morphsuit to celebrate the Jubilee- a constrictive lycra suit that would render you voiceless and with a Ken-doll crotch - but we don’t care to parse it.

Not for those of the weak of bladder.

Rule Britannia Light-Up Keychain

Can the light-up eyes of this keychain annihilate enemies of the monarchy and eradicate republican thoughts from your mind? We suspect so.

Six Pack Masks of Royal Couples Includes Prince Harry, Meghan Markle, Prince Philip, The Queen, Prince William and Kate The Duchess of Cambridge

Go on, collect the set.

Paladone Ice Queen Scoop

Celebrate Elizabeth’s historic reign by using her hollowed out mug to scoop your Ben and Jerry’s.

Monopoly HM Queen Elizabeth II Edition Board Game

It seems a bit peculiar this, remodelling the game in which ruthless entreprenuerial skills secures victory, when the Queen’s extremely large land portfolio was earned by her by ... being born to the right family. But maybe that’s how you win this version of the game.