20 of the funniest quotes about Glasgow

Famed for its stunning Victorian architecture, thriving cultural scene and lively atmosphere, Glasgow isn’t short of character or charm.

But arguably its best asset is its often self-depreciative sense of humour - and the city has inspired many a humorous quote over the years. Here are a handful of the funniest.

“The best thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack, it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.” Billy Connolly

“For me, Glasgow is all about the people and the spirit of the place. You have enough Greggs bakers though, I’ll say that. The opening of the 1977 Star Wars movie was possibly the only time I’ve seen a longer queue round the block than in Glasgow for sausage rolls. That was quite an eye-opener.” Darren Boyd, BAFTA award-winning actor

“Glasgow is less polite than Edinburgh, but that’s a good thing – they keep it very real.” Nik Kershaw, singer-songwriter

“When I was 18, I couldn’t wait to move away. I was like: ‘If I ever have to come back here, I’ll kill myself!’ Glasgow seemed like failure and death to me back then, but not anymore.” Laura Fraser, actress

“Growing up in inner-city Glasgow, it sometimes seemed to me money hadn’t been invented.” Jack Bruce, Cream bassist

“As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back 25 years.” (Photo: BBC)

“Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common. They’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.” Frankie Boyle

“In Glasgow, ‘how’ means ‘why?’ You do not ponder why, you demand HOW?” Kevin Bridges

“When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.” Billy Connolly

“As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back 25 years.” Frankie Boyle

“The Glasgow invention of square-toed shoes was to enable the Glasgow man to get closer to the bar.” Jack House, writer and broadcaster

“It was never sunny. This whole morose side I never knew I had was able to come out. Chips and cheese was a real thing for me. I only ate that at one in the morning and I’d forget. If you don’t remember, the calories don’t count.” Alison Brie, actress

“In Glasgow, ‘how’ means ‘why?’ You do not ponder why, you demand HOW?” (Photo: BBC)

“The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbutting’s. In Glasgow, a sweatband is considered a silencer.” Emo Philips, American comedian

“I think the humour in Glasgow is darker because it’s so much more gloomy. There’s a perpetual misery there.” Brian Cox, actor

“We had the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow this year. A great choice of venue: a place where people think Hepatitis B is a vitamin.” Frankie Boyle

“Glasgow Airport, that was a mistake. Unbelievable. I think the message was learnt: don’t f**k with Scottish people who have a holiday booked, okay?” Michael McIntyre

“London is always fun, obviously, but something about Glasgow really speaks to me. Usually what it says, though, is ‘let’s get wasted’.” Keith Murray, singer

Billy Connolly and Gerry Rafferty in Glasgow pub the Old Scotia Bar in the 1960's (Photo: TSPL)

“My dad taught me that the English upper class are sent to school to be taught to be confident, whereas in Glasgow you’re born confident.” - Rankin, British portrait and fashion photographer

“Freud’s theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.” - Ken Dodd, comedian

“I’ve always been mentally tough. Believe me, you have to be that way when you’ve been an Old Firm player living in Glasgow.” Charlie Adam

“The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you’ve ever been there, you’ll realise that’s maybe a bit long.” Frankie Boyle