Text culture bad for relationships

MOST of us receive eight per day, they have been hailed as the most useful communication tool of the modern age, and by the end of 2004 we will have sent 23 billion of them. But text messages may not be the modern saviour we think they are because, according to relationship experts, they are ruining our love lives.

An increasing number of men and women are using text messages as a way of avoiding real communication, informing their partners of life-changing announcements by text, and shunning conversations in favour of a simple SMS.

Last week, a woman in Irvine was awarded 2,638 in compensation after her husband of 27 years sacked her by text message. John Brown, 53, left his wife Katherine when she returned from a holiday without him last June. Two weeks later she received a text from him telling her she’d been taken off the payroll at his electronics firm.

Mrs Brown is one of a growing number of women who have been on the receiving end of such texts. Earlier this month in Arbroath, Alison Innes was jilted by text message just four days before her wedding. The text from groom Peter Knight simply said "sorry".

Last year, a survey of Nokia phone users revealed that 44 per cent used texting to tell partners they loved them, while 53 per cent used it to apologise after a row.

Deirdre Bett, Couple Counselling Lothian manager, said: "It is a pity that texting is confused with serious relationships. Texting has had an impact on modern relationships and we have had reports of clients being dumped by text which is devastating.

"Texts are only fine for simple messaging to make quick arrangements, rather than being used in profound relationships."

On Valentine’s Day this year more than 85 million texts were sent, five million more than on a normal day, suggesting they are being used frequently in the business of love.

But not all women are happy with the growing trend. One 30-year-old said she was upset her boyfriend of 18 months chose to text rather than call her.

"It really annoys me because he never calls, he just texts. I have asked him why he won’t call but he thinks I’m being silly. I think men are different when it comes to texting and aren’t as responsive as my female friends."

Margaret McAllister, a former president of the British Psychological Society, said: "Men feel it is less risky to go one move back by just putting the objective message out there and even if the response is not the answer they want then they haven’t lost face.

"Girls are encouraged to take an interest in emotions and sympathise whereas boys are steered towards managing, which forces their emotions to take second place. This is why men are more attracted to delivering messages from a distance by text."

Texting has also become an integral part of new relationships. Dubbed ‘silent dating’, many new couples will often text for a week or more as a way of getting to know each other before meeting again.

Anna Close, a 28-year-old teacher from Glasgow, said: "Before text-messaging I’d meet someone and then not hear from him because he’d be too scared to actually go through the process of picking up the phone and having a conversation. But now, if a man is interested in you, he won’t call but he’ll definitely text."

However, Scots psychologist Dr Jack Boyle said: "People don't want to convey bad news face to face and so resort to other modern methods such as texting, e-mailing and even faxing. However, people want to be told personally so that they have a chance to respond and talk about deep emotions."