TV review: Stargate Universe

NOW, I'm not averse to science-fiction by any means. On the contrary, one of my favourite things is Doctor Who. Spaceships, robots, transmat devices, happily I embrace thee. But I've remained blissfully ignorant of the long-running Stargate franchise simply by virtue of barely registering its existence.

So I arrived at the premiere of series two of Stargate Universe with, at most, profound indifference. I left feeling the same way.

What's it about? I'm glad you asked, as it's the only thing I'm clear on. In what appears to be our old sci-fi friend, the not-so-distant future, a space exploration team struggle to return to Earth after becoming stranded in a distant corner of the universe. So basically, Lost in Space for grownups. Beyond that, I have no idea.

Believe me, I studied the "previously on…" recap with intense concentration. But it was so incoherent, it was almost as if it was designed to alienate new viewers.

It's clearly unreasonable to expect that every thread will be easily picked up when first delving into - as we say these days - a long-form storyline. TV, of the heavyweight American type at least, no longer allows such casual attendance.

But wander halfway into Mad Men, Deadwood, or The Wire for the first time, and - as baffled though you may be initially - you'll recognise something of intriguing quality; something worth investigating further. Not so with this cosmic dud.

Generally I agree with David Simon, creator of The Wire, who when asked whether he was concerned that his show was too dense and lacking in exposition for the casual viewer, replied "f*** the casual viewer". But Stargate Universe isn't The Wire, an observation I'll take to my grave.

What it appears to be instead - and it was difficult to tell, as it was shot almost entirely in semi-darkness, in shaky hand-held style - is a self-consciously gritty Battlestar Galactica rip-off, entirely humourless, in which dull characters argue about pulsars.

Chief among them is Robert Carlyle as the ship's grizzled scientist. Yes, Robert Carlyle, one of the finest British actors of his generation. In a drab US sci-fi series. I suppose it worked for Christopher Eccleston in Heroes, at least for a while, so I suppose I can't blame him for following suit. But rather than taking his career in an interesting new direction, he instead looks like the victim of a cultural exchange scheme gone disastrously awry. Still, I'm sure it pays well.

As if the plot weren't confusing enough - even the characters spent the episode asking what the hell was happening - I was further distracted by the strong resemblance between two of its stars and Katherine Heigl and Seth Rogen from the Judd Appatow comedy, Knocked Up. At times it was like watching a bizarrely off-message sequel, although admittedly "Stargate: Knocked Up" (tagline: "in space, no-one can hear you ovulate") has an undeniable ring to it.Also, is there some law demanding that every US drama must feature a montage scored to a maudlin indie ballad? People staring off into space, as some dowdy minstrel whines about his feelings, is no substitute for properly earned emotion.

In short: fine, if all you're after are marines, mannequins and a displaced Scotsman moaning in a quarry.