TV Review: Natural Born Sellers, STV - The British Transport Films, BBC4

Just as Peter Cook's fusty alter ego Sir James Beauchamp used to only watch Gladiators because "it gives me a feeling of what it's like out there", so I watch programmes such as Natural Born Sellers to remind me that there really are some appalling people in the world. I find it strangely comforting. At least I don't know any of them.

This blatant, downmarket rip-off of The Apprentice features a woman called Thea who is without doubt one of the most unpleasant individuals to sully my screen in a long time. The rest of the contestants (who have to outsell each other to win money or something; it doesn't really matter) don't even attempt to disguise their contempt for her, and I can't say I blame them.

Thea is one of those people who mistakes unbearable rudeness for no-nonsense integrity. Everything that spills out of her overactive mouth is either a pathetic boast or a nasty insult at the expense of her fellow hopefuls. A snob, a bigot, an utter embarrassment, I can only guess that Thea witnessed the relative success of Apprentice villain Katie Hopkins and decided that she wants a piece of that unedifying pie.

For all her boasts about being irresistibly attractive, popular and successful, it was obvious that Thea was actually incredibly insecure and had opted to shield herself from intimacy by behaving in as alienating a way as possible (My name's Dr Paul, and join me later on Living TV for yet another episode of "Cod-Psychoanalysis For Dummies").

While I appreciate the irony of giving this horrendous attention-seeker more exposure by writing about how awful she is, I do think that a course of therapy would be more beneficial to people like her, rather than masochistically parading their neuroses via cheapskate shows like this.

The rest of the contestants were paragons of loveliness by comparison, especially the hapless Gavin. I initially had him down as your typical strutting sales-buffoon, mainly on account of his penchant for terrible clichs, culminating in this choice Alan Partridge-esque affirmation: "I started to grow a big pair of balls last week. But they have to be humungous balls this week. And that's a lot of pressure." Well, why don't you wear a bigger pair of pants then? A duvet fastened with a tent peg should presumably do the trick.

And yet Gavin eventually revealed himself as a self-deprecatingly amusing chap who, following a massively unsuccessful day, decided that he'd rather work with animals from now on. With people like Thea on his team, I'm not surprised.

Watching The British Transport Films was like being whisked back in time to a gentler, more innocent age. This Nation on Film special glistened with beautiful, evocative post-war footage designed to promote Britain's burgeoning transport industry. Far from being drab public information films, these shorts were made by talented directors (including John Midnight Cowboy Schlesinger) with serious filmmaking aspirations. No wonder they looked so good.

I almost began to feel nostalgic for an era I never lived through, so buoyant and hopeful was the Britain pictured here (blatant racial stereotyping aside, of course). These government-funded films may have presented an idealised vision of life at that time, but I'll take this comforting world over the brown, tatty, two-star model inhabited by the Natural Born Sellers any day.

LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT

Five, 10pm

If you've never tried this US drama, do yourself a favour as it's the American police procedural at its best, always concentrating on the week's plot rather than swamping its regulars in soapy nonsense.

Set in New York it follows the detectives who specialise in sex cases and crimes involving children, particularly officers Olivia Benson (Mariska Hargitay) and Elliot Stabler (Christopher Meloni). Tonight's show has added interest for British viewers as it guest stars Spooks head honcho Peter Firth as a therapist who may or may not be dodgy.

The story begins when a gang member falls off a roof to his death and is found to have a rather personal injury. From there it takes in street nuns, bag ladies and troublesome teenage twins. This episode is the twistiest and turniest of creatures and if you can figure out where it's going before the final few scenes, you ought to be in the police.

HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU

BBC1, 9pm

This week's guest host is Alexander Armstrong, left, while team captains Ian Hislop and Paul Merton are joined by Frank Skinner and Kevin Maguire.

GORDON RAMSAY: COOKALONG LIVE

Channel 4, 9pm

Take one granite-faced Scottish chef. Position your telly in your kitchen and follow said chef's instructions. Voil: Warm goats' cheese salad, salmon en crote with new potatoes, and rhubarb and ginger crumble. Yum.

GET SHORTY

ITV2, 9pm

Slick adaptation of Elmore Leonard's novel, in which John Travolta plays Florida gangster Chili Palmer, who arrives in Hollywood to collect a bad debt from sleazy movie producer Gene Hackman and decides to stay on, bringing his smooth-talking and strong-arm tactics to bear on the world of movie production. Travolta shows charm and menace, Danny DeVito plays a self-obsessed movie star to perfection and Hackman is a sheer delight as always as a purveyor of bad monster movies.

GALAXY QUEST

BBC1, 12:10am

An affectionate send-up of science-fiction traditions, featuring Alan Rickman, Sigourney Weaver and Tim Allen as the stars of a TV series not light years away from Star Trek. Their bickering and backstabbing at a convention is interrupted by the arrival of some very odd fans, who happen to be real aliens seeking help to save their civilisation from destruction. Funny, brilliantly scripted and very enjoyable.

Martin Gray and Matt Brereton

ELECTRIC PROMS 2008: GOLDFRAPP

BBC4, 10pm

Cult electronic folksters Goldfrapp here perform their Seventh Tree album acoustically, bolstered by a full string section and choir. A performance by folk singer Maddy Prior follows at 10:30pm.