Top jokes to cheer you up

Alex "Happy" Howden, comedian:

"I used to be a bus driver, but I had to give it up. I can't stand people talking behind my back."

A Martian walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whisky, a bottle of vodka, 12 martinis, 12 pints of Guinness and a gin and tonic. He downs them all in one then asks for the same again. He carries on drinking all night. Then as he's about to leave, the barman says: "That's amazing, but do you know your bill is 1823?"

The Martian says: "Have you got change of a zonk?"

Scott Wilson, Talk 107 presenter:

"Did you know Tesco have bought MFI? I only found out when I bought a chicken and the leg fell off!"

Phil MacHugh, 23, Television presenter:

Q: Why is there no aspirin in the jungle? A: Because the parrots eat 'em all

Bill Barclay, comic and DJ:

It is going to be a long, cold winter without our Woollies

Jerry Stewart, 56, director of Eagle Couriers:

Q: What do you call a snowman wearing sunglasses?

A: A puddle

Johnny Mac, comedian who is playing Aladdin in panto at the King's Theatre:

I went back to this girl's flat and she had an eight foot high light switch. I thought, that's a huge turn off

Social commentator, Roddy Martine:

A punter goes into a bar and asks for a single malt scotch.

The barman pours it and says 'It's an 18-year-old.'

The punter replies: 'It's awful wee for it's age.'

Forth One presenter , Grant Stott:

Q: Did you hear about the vegetarian who passed away recently?

A: There was a big turnip at his funeral

Andrew Arron alias Daft Jamie in Sleeping Beauty at the Brunton Theatre:

Shopper one: I hear the credit crunch means eggs are going up again.

Shopper two: Well, that'll surprise a few chickens

Laura Meredith, 26, senior finance administrator with Braemore Property Management:

Q: What do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire?

A: Frost Bite

Fraser Doherty, 19, SuperJam entrepreneur:

Patient: Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.

Doctor: Well you can't say fairer than that then.

Ed Byrne, comedian:

Why do women insist on asking men what they're thinking? We're thinking: "Better think of something to say, better think of something to say." Either that or we're imagining that we're spies.

Linda Strachan,author:

A man is dining in a restaurant and he turns to the waiter.

"Waiter, waiter. What is this I am eating?"

The waiter says: "It's bean soup, sir."

"I don't care what it has been, I want to know what it is."

Gerry Goldwyre, restaurateur and former Masterchef winner

A man walks into the doctors and says "I've broken my arm in three places."

The doctor says "Well don't go there again."

Crime writer, Alanna Knight

A man goes into a pub and there's a nun sitting outside. She says to him, "My son, don't go in there, you must give up drinking."

He says, "What do you know about it, I don't suppose you've ever had a drink in your life."

The nun replies, "Well, no..."

The man says "Right, I'll get you a gin and tonic to show you, that'll shut you up."

The nun agrees, but asks him to get it in a mug, not a glass, so no one can see that she's drinking.

The man goes into the pub and asks for a pint of beer and a gin and tonic in a mug.

The barman says, "That bloody nun's outside again."

George Korankye, of Dalkeith, radiographer and author of Die Laughing:

"They French cannae coont – you ask for twa rolls and they gie ye three."

Kay Hamilton, the Duchess of Hamilton, founder of Scottish Staffordshire Bull Terrier Rescue:

A brain goes into a bar. The barman says "I'm not going to serve you, you're out of your skull."

Ray Foreman, Logistics Manager at NKD Clothing:

Q: What do clouds wear under their clothes?

A: Thunderware

Stephen Jardine, TV presenter:

Q: What's the difference between a seagull and a Royal Bank of Scotland banker?

A: Only a seagull can still make a deposit on a Porsche.

Panto favourite Allan Stewart, who is playing Widow Twankey in Aladdin at the King's Theatre:

Q: What do you call a donkey with three legs.

A: A wonkey

Michael Apter, 40, Owner of Paper Tiger

There are two goldfish in a tank - one turns to the other and says 'do you know how to drive this thing?'

Simon Pia, radio presenter:

Q: How many ears did Davy Crockett have?

A: Three - a left ear, a right ear and a wild frontier.

Quintin Young who is playing Vizier in Aladdin at the King's Theatre:

Man lost in Edinburgh says to a policeman, 'Excuse me is there a B&Q in Leith?' Policeman replies, 'No sir, but there are two Ds and two Es in Dundee"

Nigel Griffiths, MP for South Edinburgh

A guy goes out for his office Christmas party and afterwards he's at the bus station waiting for the last bus to Bathgate. There's a fast food trailer next to him staffed by a grumpy looking woman. He goes up and she says gruffly: "What do you want?"

He says: "A cup of tea". She sloshes it down in front of him, saying: "Anything else?"

He asks for a pie. She slaps it down rudely in front of him, saying: "Anything else?"

He looks at her and says: "Well, a kind word wouldn't go amiss."

And she says..... "Don't eat the pie."

Kim Forbes, 29, Manager at Frontiers:

Q: What did the sea say to the sand?

A: Nothing, he just gave a little wave.

Lynne McNicoll, fundraiser for Teenage Cancer Trust:

Q: What do cows eat for breakfast? A: Moooosli.

Karen Koren, Fringe promoter:

"My favourite joke is from an Evening News cartoon before the Gilded Balloon burnt down. It was during the reign of Eric Milligan as Lord Provost and he was coming out of the City Chambers wearing his ceremonial chains when a little boy said "Is that the Gilded Balloon?"

Q: What did the cow say on Christmas morning?

A: Moo-rry Christmas

Q: What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?

A: A pineapple

Q: What is Tarzan's favourite Christmas carol?

A: Jungle Bells

Q: Why does Santa come down the chimney?

A: Because it soots him

Q: Why is it so cold at Christmas?

A: Because it is Decembrrr

Q: Why didn't Rudolph go to school?

A: He was elf taught

Q: Where does Santa stay when he is on holiday?

A: In a ho, ho, hotel

Q: What do sheep write in Christmas cards?

A: Merry Christmas to ewe

Q: Why do cats love

Christmas?

A: Because they get to meet Santa Claws

Q: What beats its chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?

A: Tarzipan

Gail Porter, TV presenter:

My mum phoned me the other day and all I could hear were bombs going off and lots of noise.

I said 'Where are you?'

She said: 'I'm in Lebanon.'

I said: 'What are you doing there?'

She said: 'Trying to get those pants you asked me for.'

I said: 'Oh, you said Debenhams!'