The Christmas Survival Guide: Tips on how to make the best of the festive season

Have yourself a merry little Christmas? Only if you can avoid the nervous breakdown threatened by the constant round of parties, relatives and ‘fun activities’. Claire Black has ideas to keep you calm

SURVIVAL and Christmas, these are not two words that should go together. The first is about mortal danger and the second is about giving gifts, time off work or the baby Jesus, depending on your proclivities; really, there should be no overlap. And yet, just the gentlest of scrutiny, the thinnest of experiences and you’ll find they fit together like holly and ivy or brandy snaps and cream.

How will you get through at least three parties a week for the next fortnight? Is it possible to overdose on milk thistle? Or mince pies? How will you keep a smile on your face when Auntie Agnes gives you another book about dieting? And how will you avoid a certain person underneath the mistletoe?

Never fear, Christmas need not mean crisis, here’s your trusty survival guide with everything you need to get you safely through the frying pan of the Xmas extravaganza and into the fire of Hogmanay.

Enjoy!

THE OFFICE PARTY

IF YOU’RE doing the extortionately priced large hotel kind of shindig, don’t imagine that this year is going to be any exception to all the others and the food is going to be delicious rather than rubbery and lukewarm. Do the right thing and line your stomach before you go. A six-pack of mince pies should do nicely. You’ve got to pace yourself, after all.

If the food and drink has been a little more satisfying, keep in mind that when the last cracker’s been pulled and the paper hats are all askew on your fuzzy heads, despite the fact that it feels like the right moment to tackle your boss about staff morale, it’s really not. Yes, your boss is sitting there, stuffed full of turkey and trimmings, with red wine fangs on their top lip from over-enthusiastic imbibing, but still it’s not the moment to tell them that although you like him/her you think they could do with a few tips on how to be more effective. This impulse, like the one that sends you to the bar for a round of shots when one of your colleagues has already fallen off their chair, should be met only with an immediate cease and desist order. Do not do it. Why? I’ll tell you why. First, no-one is feeling at their most receptive to “constructive criticism” while they’re trying to digest their own bodyweight in kilted sausages. It’s just not conducive. More than that, irrespective of the sporting of reindeer antlers or a karaoke mic, your boss is still your boss. And, of course, if your esteemed leader is anything like at least some of the most enthusiastic of Christmas party revellers, by the time the bash is over s/he will have trouble remembering their own address so your plea for a promotion will be utterly lost in the post- party haze.

Don’t waste your time or theirs. And just for the record, although I hope there is no need to say this, there is never a right time or place to photocopy your posterior or worse. Ever.

WHAT TO WEAR

I’VE got to be honest, I’m not convinced of the appeal of six-inch heels even if you plan to be maneouvered by sedan chair, but let’s get this clear right now: if you have to walk more than ten steps, let alone shake your groove thang to Rockin Around the Christmas Tree after several litres of wine, do not choose this type of footwear. Ignore my advice and you risk becoming the kind of person who ends up walking home forlornly in the wee small hours with your shoes in your hand but your dignity much harder to locate. Or a broken ankle.

Same goes for Spanx. It’s hard enough keeping a smile on your face through all of this without being elastically prevented from enjoying your Christmas pud. Do yourself a favour and sack the support shaping underwear at least for the rest of 2011. And contrary to what magazines tell you about Christmas parties requiring sparkles and sequins and the latest trends, trust me, what Christmas parties require is comfort. Think tactically – you’ve got to be able to eat, dance, stay warm on the trek for a taxi and avoid any malfunctions of the Janet Jackson variety. Everything else is secondary.

SECRET SANTA

A toiletries set for the person with hygiene issues might be expedient but it’s not exactly in keeping with the spirit of Christmas. What you were given last year re-wrapped and passed on is just cheap. And anything remotely kinky is entirely unacceptable in a work context. Given that the world is on the brink of complete and utter economic meltdown, now is not the time for ostentation, so if you’re doing gifts keep it simple.

But how about this – perhaps gifts in the office could be skipped this year and instead you could create a kitty for a night out in January when you will all have forgotten the excesses of December and the fact that you’re sick of the sight of each other? Or maybe you could bake instead of buying? Or, best of all, maybe you could just decide that we’ve all probably got more stuff than we need, want, or find useful, and presents should be entirely skipped this year? Think of it less as humbug and more as sparing yourself and others from another novelty mug/pen set/box of bath salts to get rid of. Really, would it be that bad?

THE FAMILY DO

SO, you’ve dodged the bullet of the office party (by that I mean you’ve attended and had a great time or you’ve lied and said you can’t go because that’s the only day the central heating engineer can come to service your boiler) but now you’ve got to cope with the family escapade.

Auntie Doreen telling the same “hilarious” story about that time your dress was tucked in your pants the whole way through the carol service when you were six. Auntie Mary giving recycled presents wrapped in Christmas paper she’s had in the bottom drawer since 1989, complete with Sellotape marks where it’s previously been unwrapped from an item of a completely different shape to the one she’s giving you. And your sibling’s irritating partner doing their usual Kevin the teenager sulking despite the fact that they are 43. There are bound to be nieces and nephews who are in a frenzy of wrapping ripping, with more presents than they can actually count and other relatives who are giving a selection of “craft items” which are evidence of the misunderstanding that the product of an enjoyable hobby is not necessarily the same as something that someone else would actually like to receive.

But you must try to rise above these petty irritations. No one wants a reputation for being the Ebenezer Scrooge of the family, so anaesthetise yourself with copious amounts of skooshy cream and view the antics simply as part of what makes you glad to go home at night to the tranquility of your own place. Or, if they’re at yours, use it as an opportunity to look forward to the tranquility which will descend when they all leave.

And if you’ve got an entirely sane family in which there is only peace and love and genuine good cheer, then please enjoy your almost unique status and try not to be too big headed about it for the sake of the rest of us please.

DRINKS WITH ‘FRIENDS’

NO-ONE who offers you a Jagermeister at noon, before any food has passed your gullet, can really be viewed as a friend. Or, I should add, an Aftershock, or a flaming Sambuca or any other beverage that should be used for cleaning drains rather than consumed. Trust me, you don’t want to be the person, as, ahem, one of my best friends was last year, who wakes up on Christmas morning realising that they’ve left the bag of key ingredients for the Christmas dinner in the pub the night before as a result of getting carried away by the prospect of dancing to Britney Spears’ Toxic with the posties.