See you, Bobby: fur coat, nae knickers

A new book by Glaswegian author Ian Black claims to reveal exactly what the citizens of Edinburgh think of Glaswegians and what they think about us.

SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN IN EDINBURGH TOO LONG

• You think Glaswegians are unsavoury, but you’ve never met any as you are too scared to go to Glasgow after dark in case somebody steals one of your 11 mobile phones.

• You speak with a Morningside accent when sober . . . and then like a Leith dock worker when drunk.

• You know the difference between a McDonald and a McKenzie tartan.

• You think paying 10 for a three-minute cab ride is perfectly acceptable.

• You say "how?" instead of "why?". But not in public.

• The thought of haggis, neeps and tatties does not disgust you, but you only eat it to be "ethnic". Normally it is caviar or something.

• You think it is your God-given right to slag all the other Scottish cities.

• You sulk at the champagne being warm on Hogmanay.

• You sulk if there are no after-club parties because you can’t possibly go to bed before 11.30am the next day.

• You sulk if you don’t manage to spend 1000 on your Jenners account card in your lunch hour.

WEEGIE PHILOSOPHY

• Edinburgh City Council rule: If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.

• What’s the difference between a Pilton man and a large pizza?

- A large pizza can feed a family of four.

• A young Weegie couple went to visit an estate agent in Edinburgh. "Right," said the agent. "Just tell me your starting price, then we’ll all have a good laugh and take it from there."

• A Greyfriars Bobby is rhyming slang in Glasgow for jobbie.

• One of the Weegie pastimes is to visit Edinburgh to play a game called Spot the Scot. If you spot one you win and can go home immediately. Nobody has ever won.

MEAN EDINBUGGERS

• There’s a modern twist to the old "You’ll have had your tea" Edinbugger statement. Apparently nowadays they gesture towards the drinks cabinet and say: "Oh no, you’ll be driving."

• When you ask for "some mair" in Glasgow, they get you another drink. In Edinburgh they open a window.

• Did you hear about the Edinbugger who got caught making nuisance telephone calls? He kept reversing the charges.

ATTITUDES AND INSULTS

• The standard disparagement of "fur coat and nae knickers" that is applied by the Weegie to the Edinbugger to illustrate the pretension to gentility so despised in the West is turned on its head by this tale of two girls going for a night out. One is from Glasgow, one is from Edinburgh.

- Edinburgh girl says: "Hang on a wee minute, I’ll have to put on ma knickers."

- Glasgow girl looks shocked and says: "Knickers! On a night oot?"

• How many Edinbugger graduates does it take to screw in a light bulb?

- One: he stands still and the world revolves around him.

• Edinburgh is a terrible place for last names as first names. The only other place like it in Scotland is the BBC. Nobody is called Tam, Wullie or Davie. It is all: "Oh Cameron, Munro would like a word. It’s about Maxwell and McGregor wanting to change their names back to Shuggie and Duggie. Farquarson will never allow it."

Weegies vs Edinbuggers and Edinbuggers vs Weegies, by Ian Black, is published by Black & White, priced 5.99.