Say 'I do' to the Humanist touch when tying the knot

Their wedding guests look on in silence, smiling at the pair as they exchange words they have written for each other ahead of their big day.

But as Bengtis begins one final promise – his half of a final vow which both have written in secret for each other – the silence is shattered by Elizabeth's laughter, as she throws her head back in amusement at what her Swedish groom has said.

"It was hilarious," she recalls. "When it came to our final promise, he started saying exactly what I had prepared to say to him and it related to a very old joke we share.

"Everyone was laughing as they all knew it."

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It is perhaps not the sort of wedding service most of us are used to – services which tend to be heavy on nerves, formalities and above all a set form of words for the bride or groom to fluff, to the sympathetic but restrained titters of those gathered.

But Elizabeth, 55, and Bengtis, 62, from Eskbank, were one of hundreds of couples to choose to tie the knot last year in a Humanist ceremony – a non-religious ceremony for which they wrote their own vows. Their wedding included readings and music performed by friends and family, as well as their deeply personal vows, which they spent months composing and which Elizabeth says drew them even closer as they focused on exactly what getting married meant to each them.

It was only five years ago such ceremonies became legal but the number of Humanist weddings has risen from 425 in 2006 to 1,544 last year. And this year Humanist says they believe the number of such ceremonies will overtake the number of Roman Catholic weddings in Scotland, placing them third in line of popularity after civil ceremonies and Church of Scotland weddings. Already Macdonald Hotels & Resorts say that one in ten weddings taking place at their hotels this year will be Humanist, a 400 per cent rise since 2006.

"More and more people are coming across this and saying it's what they want," explains Tim Maguire, a Edinburgh Humanist celebrant authorised to legally marry couples, as well as conduct funerals. Many, he says, stumble across Humanism by accident, looking for a non-religious, yet meaningful service, perhaps because the couple come from different religious backgrounds, or are older and have been married before, or because reading up about the ideals of Humanist strikes a chord.

"At a Humanist wedding, people feel they can express who they are and if they can make a promise in their own words, it makes it all the more powerful.

"I did a wedding for a roofer in Leith and his bride once and he had lots of tough-looking friends. I remember looking out at the room of guests and there was this enormous guy looking right up at the ceiling, all so that people couldn't see he was crying at the service."

It was Tim, 54, from Edinburgh, who married Elizabeth and Bengtis last April at Greywalls Hotel, in East Lothian, having met them at a Humanist funeral some months before.

They had been a couple for 22 years before they finally decided to get married, even though architect Bengtis had been begging Elizabeth to say yes to him on a regular basis from just a few months into their relationship.

"It certainly took us a little while to get there," laughs Elizabeth, who works for city-based Genius Foods.

"It was just that we spent so many years bringing up our three children and then after they all moved out, we just started living our life. It was when Bengtis turned 60 we said that the only thing that was missing was that we weren't married. It was time for us now."

But having both been married previously and divorced, a church wedding was out of the question and a registry office setting did not appeal.

"The funeral we had been at was for a 28-year-old man and we, quite frankly, expected it to be utterly dreadful, given the circumstances. But Tim was amazing and the funeral was not dreadful at all.

"Once we started talking about our wedding, we both said it would be wonderful if Tim married us – we could make it so personal."

And just like every other couple who embarks on a Humanist wedding, their service was exactly that, moving far from the formalities of traditional weddings into a format they felt comfortable with. The only legal requirement for the vows is that each say "I accept you as my husband/wife".

And the joke the couple shared during their vows?

"Although Bengtis is from Sweden, his grasp of English is perfect, but there was one occasion many years ago when he told me he was angry – angry as a pancake," Elizabeth laughs.

"Of course, I started laughing and said that was the wrong phrase, but from then on it has become well-known in the family.

"For our final promise, we both promised to endeavour not to make each other as angry as a pancake."

The rise in popularity is one staff at the Macdonald Houstoun House, in Uphall, have charted since the services became legal in 2005.

"We had a Humanist wedding on Friday," explains wedding co-ordinator Elizabeth Bell. "And it was so sweet. When the couple were saying their vows, the bride told her groom she loved it when he kissed her nose when he knew she was upset.

"There was another one last year when the couple placed the chairs for their guests in a circle and they were married in the middle with them all watching. They hadn't wanted anything too formal."

Although most couples choose a Humanist wedding for the individuality they offer, many are drawn to their flexibility as celebrants are often willing to conduct services on Sundays, meaning appealing discounts can be taken advantage of at many hotels.

"The Humanist services are always really nice and especially personal," the co-ordinator explains.

Last September, Brunstane couple Lindsay and Dave Rodger had their Humanist wedding at Houstoun House, married by Tim Maguire.

Again, the couple were drawn to Humanism after attending a funeral which Lindsay, 37, says moved her more than any other religious service she had ever been to.

She says it was a natural choice to opt for a Humanist wedding. "The preparation for our wedding started quite early after meeting with Tim in the December," the events manager says.

"He gave us exercises to do, making us think about our relationship and the ten things that made us want to get married. Later on, he gave us examples of ceremonies other people have had, including releasing birds, which we didn't opt for."

Lindsay and 34-year-old Dave, an urban designer, chose to get married facing their guests, with their vows unknown to each other until the day.

"It was very full on," Lindsay laughs. "But it felt very personal. Everyone said afterwards how much they had enjoyed it and how they had felt really involved.

"Some people were definitely expecting it to be more outlandish, but it's not as though we asked people to come to our Humanist wedding naked, or dressed in a blanket."

WHAT IS HUMANISM?

HUMANISTS do not believe in a god or a divine power, rather a view that the world can be made sense of using reason, experience and shared human values.

Followers choose to lead good lives without any religious beliefs or superstitions, striving to take responsibility for their own actions while working with others for the common good.

The first ever Humanist wedding took place in Scotland in 1976, yet the couple and many hundreds who followed in their footsteps had to have a second civil ceremony to make their marriage legal.

In 2005, Scotland became the sixth country in the world to legalise Humanist weddings, adding to laws already passed in Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Norway and certain states in America.

Every year, couples from England make their way over the border to tie the knot in Scotland as they are unable to do so on home soil.

For more information, visit www.humanism-scotland.org.uk