Sketch: Booze fridge shaped elephant goes unmentioned as Boris Johnson and Douglas Ross renew relations

There’s something about this Scottish Conservative conference which is akin to a particularly hallucinogenic fever dream.

Be it the SNP’s assertion that delaying indyref2 somehow gives Vladimir Putin a veto over Scottish democracy, or the sight of Stephen Kerr’s teeth being subject to the five second rule, there’s something decidedly odd about the whole experience.

The headline act of the day was the return to Scottish Conservative soil for Boris Johnson.

It was his first appearance in front of his party (un)faithful since the Partygate stories began to break and the first since the entire MSP group called for him to resign and Ross u-turned in grovelling ‘please come to my party’ fashion.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson (right) and Scottish Conservative Party leader Douglas Ross at the Scottish Conservative Conference at P&J Live

Mr Johnson strode on stage after Douglas “I’m definitely sick Mum, honest” Ross introduced the Prime Minister with glowing compliments.

This wasn’t the drama us neutrals had signed up for, far too nice.

It got worse as Boris praised Douglas Ross for being able to “defy the sceptics” and delivering the Tories’ best result in Scotland, better than even that “brilliant though she is” woman, Baroness Davidson.

The PM even mentioned his favourite sparring buddy, Ian Blackford, claiming the delivery of broadband across the UK would “bring a smile to even the humblest crofter".

After all, I hear Stephen Kerr’s smile is available.

Then the fever dream reappeared as Boris Johnson conjured the image of Alex Salmond being blasted off into space as the next cosmonaut from the new space port in Caithness.

Funny? Yes. Disorientating? Also yes.

Floating in the middle of the room, going unmentioned by all however, was a poltergeist shaped like a large glass of Sauvignon.

This booze-fridge shaped elephant in the room sat alongside the ghost of no confidence letters past as if Partygate and the split between Ross and Johnson had never happened.

The speech was Boris Johnson’s chance to put the embarrassing family arguments in the past, accept that his little brother was a bit miffed but that they’d hugged it out and it was all sorted.

In true Great British tradition, both Ross and Johnson put aside passive aggressive accusations of the PM’s position being “untenable” and “unfit” and ensured were bottled up, put away, and promptly ignored.

Instead, Ross’ success is all down to the “blindingly obvious to everyone” that there should not be a second independence referendum, all while criticising the SNP for “rolling over and having your tummy tickled” by rejecting Trident.

And then in typical bombastic style it ended and faithful lapdog Douglas Ross was rewarded with a PM conference speech treat while the “blindingly obvious” was kept firmly out of the conference hall.

Never let it be said that Boris Johnson will ruin a good party, and this was another example of his skill at keeping the good times rolling, regardless of circumstance.

Want to hear more from The Scotsman's politics team? Check out the latest episode of our political podcast, The Steamie.

It's available wherever you get your podcasts, including Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

A message from the Editor:

Thank you for reading this article. We're more reliant on your support than ever as the shift in consumer habits brought about by coronavirus impacts our advertisers.

If you haven't already, please consider supporting our trusted, fact-checked journalism by taking out a digital subscription.