Questions over everything as the Blahship Enterprise hits Waffle Factor 9

I have, of late, neglected this questionable half-hour, even though it is said to be the highlight of the parliamentary week. And I use the word "highlight" in its original Etruscan sense of "a tedious interlude, a load of cack".

For those of you unfamiliar with the format (having presumably disobeyed official advice to pay close attention), Chap A asks Chap B when he plans to meet Chap C, the Prime Minister. Chap B says he has no such plans. Chap A then asks a series of questions about something entirely different. Chap B declines to answer these. Chap D then asks Chap B what issues will be discussed at the next cabinet meeting, and Chap B says the cabinet will discuss how to build a better Scotland. Chap D then asks Chap B a series of questions on an entirely different matter. Chap B declines to answer these.

You may find this absurd, but you would be wrong. For it is precisely the sort of thing that we fought the Iraq war for.

Oh yes. Soon, the fully devolved administration in Baghdad (with, ironically, enough for Scottish soldiers out there, more powers than Holyrood) will have its own First Wazoo’s Questions, where Chap A asks Chap B when he next plans to meet Chap C, the President of the United States, and Chap B says it’s up to Allah, and on it goes. It’s called democracy. You wouldn’t understand.

Tommy Sheridan (Socialist) understands how to use the democratic process for his own ends. Following the dubious format outlined above, he asked what issues Jack McConnell would prioritise for discussion with the PM at their next meeting.

Quoth the First Minister in reply: "I have no immediate plans to meet with the Prime Minister."

So far so meaningless.

But then Tommy followed up with a question on Iraq, asking Jack if he’d be honest enough to admit he’d been wrong in backing the invasion and about weapons of mass destruction.

George Reid, the presiding orifice, looked worried and warned Tommy that his question was just within the limits of what London would allow the Scotch to discuss.

Damn, that meant Jack would have to answer it, which he did by saying it would be "wrong-headed" to take the troops out now.

Apart from anything else, they had removed the "world’s worst dictator". Good. Fine.

To sum up then: we have a question; we have confirmation that the question is legitimate; and we have an answer to an entirely different question that nobody asked.

In other answers - and I use the word in its original Bolivian sense, "aimless chunter, procrastinating piffle" - Jack held forth at ludicrous length, listing, repeating himself and, finally, thrusting the engines of the Blahship Enterprise into Waffle Factor 9, while the Scotties in the public gallery complained: "We cannae take any more, Cap’n!"

I don’t think he’s aware of it, but Jack’s waffling is currently the talk of the steamie. And no wonder. Answering a question about health, he droned on with calculated tedium about how the number of dentists was up, and how this was up and that was up, until we were all thinking: "Up yours, mate."

David McLetchie, the Tory leader, said: "The First Minister tells us that everything is up, but he forgets the most important thing: results. Results are actually down."

So, where does the truth lie? Chap D says down. Chap B says up. Meanwhile, the man on the Cramond omnibus probably suspects it’s somewhere in the middle, neither up nor down. Then he says to himself: "Hang on, I’ve forgotten what the question was."

Responding to a later question, about the health gap between rich and poor, Jack started to itemise all the things that were wrong with the Scotch: we smoke, we drink, we lack exercise and we eat rubbish food. Apart from that, we’re fine.

There was one bit of good news for patients, though. Jack said hospitals were now treating people in one day, rather than referring them "up the tree". God, how I used to hate it when they sent you up the tree. Your dressing gown used to get caught in the branches, and once, one of my slippers fell on a nurse.

There didn’t seem any point to the exercise. Rather like First Minister’s Questions.