No cigar, no champagne and bothered by wind

Also attracting comment was the prospect of 60 Blackpool Towers appearing in the Solway Firth. The unlikely stimulus for such tantalising topics was the Robin Rigg Offshore Wind Farm (Scotland) Bill.

This has been the subject of interest because it’s the first private bill to be brought before Parliament. However, I won’t dwell on that, because I don’t know what it means.

Allan Wilson, the daft but likeable deputy environment minister, said the whole business reminded him of Bismarck’s words, which he paraphrased as: "Private bills are like sausages. It’s better not to see them being made."

As if the Iron Chancellor’s musings on Junker food were not enough, headmasterly Colin Campbell (SNP) added: "I much prefer Bismarck’s view that any good man should have 12 cigars a day and a bottle of champagne."

The smoke from said cheroots should not obscure the fact that Robin Rigg is the first offshore wind project in Scotland and the largest renewable energy project in Europe (don’t write to me if it isn’t; that’s what we were told and, also, I don’t care).

Sited in the Solway Firth, it could lead to disagreements between rotating blades and the masts of passing yachts. Generally speaking, if you’re in the area and it’s foggy, you don’t want to go frigging in the rigging.

Alasdair Morgan (SNP) said there was also a risk of stirring up radioactive silt from Windscale, which would be an ironic side-effect for a green project to produce.

However, Alasdair believed the project promised substantial benefits. Some people thought it would harm the scenery but only a Solomon could pronounce judgment on that, which was a bit unfortunate since the Cuddly Parliament tends to go in more for Cathies and Keiths.

That didn’t stop John Home Doodah Robertson (Lab) offering us words of wisdom, to wit: "I have no strong feelings about whether wind power is a good thing." Well, thanks for sharing that with us.

Alex "Hercules" Fergusson (Con) was not happy with the project, claiming each of the 60 turbines was "potentially the height of Blackpool Tower".

Robin Harper (Green) protested: "They’re tiny on the horizon."

Alex said that might be so from some angles but not, as it were, from where he was sitting. Which just happened to be in an electoral seat full of local objectors.

David "Giggly" Mundell (Con) was in a similar position and, so, he too opposed the project. This raised an interesting constitutional point, namely: representing your constituents is one thing, but no-one said you had to agree with the buggers.

Bruce Crawford (SNP) said these guys should stop being so parochial. "Do you not want us to share the jobs bonanza?" he asked.

David protested: "I support wind." But he revealed himself to be more of a blowhard for the nuclear industry.

Accordingly, Sarah Boyack (Lab) asked him to clarify Tory policy on nuclear waste. David said this was an important issue that "needed to be resolved". Crikey, that was pretty clear. And I use the word "clear" in its Etruscan sense of "muddy or obscure".

Headmasterly Colin said members of the Parliament’s committee on Robin Rigg had been "chosen for our relative ignorance". John Doodah clarified: "Total ignorance."

At question time in the afternoon, Jack McConnell, leader of Wider Lanarkshire, got annoyed at John Swinney, leader of the Pictish Nation, turning up every week with his damned statistics.

He got even more irate when Andrew Wilson, the Nats’ economics spokesman, raised revelations that Ted Heath had wanted to give Scotland control of her oil.

"Of course," retorted Jack, "Mr Wilson doesn’t believe in Scotland and this Parliament having control over taxation." Qu?

The Nats went doolally, claiming that surely the First Minister had meant, "Mr Wilson DOES believe ..."

A case, perhaps, of close but no cigar, Jack. No champagne either. But, hey, have a sausage, mate.