Never the Twain shall meet – until September

It was colouring-in time at the Scottish Parliament, which breaks up for its long summer recess today, and was in an end-of-term torpor yesterday.

The back-benches were pretty silent – in Labour’s case because a good chunk weren’t even there, presumed missing in Port Glasgow. For Iain Gray and Annabel Goldie, Mr Salmond’s two chief inquisitors, it was a case of one last harangue.

They’ve both had a long year. In the political jargon, they both got hammered over the head by voters in May’s Holyrood elections. It’s only a guess, but somehow you doubt that there’ll be many political tracts on their summer reading list as they seek to clear their heads from the events of the last few weeks. Certainly not ones which include the words “Alex” and “Salmond” in the index.

But Mr Salmond wasn’t about to end the torture so quickly. As both Mr Gray and Miss Goldie prepared to sally forth with one last charge at the impregnable SNP fortress, the First Minister, in his newly remembered role of national healer-in-chief, decided to offer an effusive eulogy on their time in charge and wish them well in their future careers. Mr Gray had been a great servant of his party, declared Mr Salmond solemnly. Miss Goldie was a doughty opponent and Mr Salmond would miss her wit.

For Mr Gray, seated at his usual post, the praise from his chief tormentor seemed about as welcome as a 5p tip. He and Miss Goldie have suffered terribly at Mr Salmond’s hands over recent months. This kind of stuff is just un-called for.

There was just one problem with Mr Salmond’s praise, however. Due to the interminable internal working of the Labour and Conservative parties, neither Mr Gray nor Miss Goldie will be relieved of their posts by the time they get back to parliament in September. Instead, they must carry on for a good few weeks yet (and in Mr Gray’s case, possibly longer, if rumours are to be believed). This was a little embarrassing. Mr Salmond had been so nice, but, in this case, also wrong.

How best to let him know? Miss Goldie laid it out straight. “I’m glad he is enjoying the exchanges because I am coming back in September,” she declared, Twain-like, and to much amusement.

For Mr Salmond there was embarrassment – particularly as Miss Goldie and Mr Gray returned his badly-timed praise with some routine invective over his performance in the first two months in power. By the end, Mr Salmond resembled no one so much as an out-of-touch boss speaking at the retirement of a member of staff, who ruins it by getting their name wrong.

Not that Mr Salmond is one to let mortal embarrassment trouble him for long, especially when, behind him, there are 60-odd groupies ready to laugh at his every quip and murmur approval at every point.

Derek MacKay, one of the many new members of the SNP’s back-benches, soon helped by lobbing his boss a nice end-of-term full toss. Would, perchance, the First Minister like some more power to help run the country? Would he, more specifically, agree with former Labour MSP Lord Foulkes who, it seemed, had recently come down in favour of “fiscal federalism”?

Mr Salmond, who does seem a little tired these days, suddenly bobbed up on his haunches – any mention of the venerable Lord Foulkes’s name always gives him wings. “Four years in this parliament, and Lord Foulkes hardly mentioned a sensible idea and he goes back down to the House of Lords and he comes up with a cracker!” he exclaimed.

Despite the history-making nature of his victory in May, you do get the impression Mr Salmond misses old Westminster foes like Foulkesy who no longer occupy the opposition benches. At least he now knows that Mr Gray and Miss Goldie will still be there come September. Will they have better luck then in bringing Mr Salmond to heel? Now that would be greatly exaggerated.