Malcolm Offord's speech was like being stuck with your boss on a work night out
The Reform UK Scottish leader had decent patter at first
The back and sides of the hall may have been relatively empty, but almost every seat towards the stage was full for Malcolm Offord’s speech at the Reform UK conference in Birmingham.
This was a bit surprising given he is not at all one of the party’s big hitters.
It was hard to imagine that the audience - mostly Reform members from middle England - had scrambled to see the Scottish leader make his speech.
As it turned out, the bulk of them were reserving prime spots for Nigel Farage’s closing comments.
Just before the West of Scotland MSP took to the stage, a video played of him talking to the camera in Greenock, interspersed with beautiful shots of the Clyde and wonderful Inverclyde scenery. It was a bit like an SNP campaign video.
He soon emerged to relatively big cheers from a crowd who probably hadn’t seen him before.
One punter shouted: “Come on Scotland!”
Mr Offord gave a smile and repeated the phrase back.
He immediately got the crowd onside by informing them that it was his 62nd birthday.
Like a panto performance, he encouraged plenty of audience participation.
He asked the crowd if any had been to Glasgow - he received some whoops.
The MSP then asked if anyone had been to the Burrell Collection. A couple of people knew what he was talking about - but most didn’t have a clue.
Then came the punchline with at the SNP’s finances scandal: “I've got a treat in store for you because on your next visit, I'm taking you to view the Murrell Collection.
“Yes, Reform in Scotland has plans to put on public display all the items embezzled by Peter Murrell, the husband of Nicola Sturgeon.”
The audience lapped it up as he promised to show them “two hairdryers bought by a bald man”.
He went on about showing people seven kettles, a campervan, two toilet seats and a £3,000 coffee machine on a tour of Scotland.
He may have lost most of the crowd when he mentioned the Declaration of Arbroath, but it had been a strong start.
Mr Offord then said he was “getting serious”. This is when it got boring - and most people there stopped listening.
He started listing lots of figures about Scotland’s economy, the deficit and GDP.
The numbers went on: 17 MSPs, 385,000 votes and 35,000 members. A five-year project, 33 local authorities with 355 wards.
There was simply too much data. Too many numbers, not enough ideas, not enough rhetoric to get the crowd going.
Several people sitting in the audience fell asleep - and who could blame them.
Malcolm Offord’s speech was like turning up early to a work night out.
Your pals haven’t showed up yet and you end up stuck at the bar with one of the directors.
Surprisingly you enjoy his company at first. He has a bit of patter and you think he might actually be alright.
But then he gets on to business performance, turnover and targets.
What started as a conversation becomes a lecture, and you’re waiting for your pals to arrive and save you.
Unexpectedly, much of the crowd gave Mr Offord a standing ovation at the end of his speech.
Perhaps they were just glad it was over - and that they were closer to seeing Mr Farage.
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