Drumlanrig

Gordon Brown was up in Glasgow last week to try and raise funds for his party at a big dinner in the Hilton.

No doubt aware of the problems that recently beset First Minister Alex Salmond, the Prime Minister studiously avoided offering lunch with himself as one of the auction prizes afterwards.

Lots of dosh was secured for the coming election campaign, but the event was not a complete success. A third of the Hilton's big ballroom was partitioned off – the bit that no seats had been sold for. A sign of things to come?

INFERNAL AFFAIRS

We trust that Scottish Secretary Jim Murphy and Scottish Labour leader Iain Gray will be attending church this morning to ask for God's forgiveness and mercy.

Last week, the pair did not get much of a good rap from the Almighty, after His representative in Scotland, Cardinal Keith O'Brien, slammed Labour's record in power.

His Eminence revealed that he had told Gray that he hoped the Pope would "give you hell" for the way Labour had acted in office when he comes to Scotland later this year.

Given that the Catholic Church believes that hell is a physical place, we can only hope on Mr Gray's behalf that the Pope does not take this exhortation too literally ("Ah, Mr Gray, nice to meet you... now I've brought something for you in my suitcase...")

Just to be sure, the pair should get on their knees this morning.

OH, THE INJUSTICE

Until this week, Labour's justice spokesman Richard Baker was pretty sure that his opposite number was Kenny MacAskill, the SNP's heid bummer in charge of prisons and polis and suchlike.

However, the letter from Fergus Ewing – the minister for community safety said: "It would not be appropriate for me as Cabinet secretary for justice to comment …"

When did Fergus get the nod that he was getting kicked upstairs?

Does Kenny know he's for the chop? Is Fergus getting delusions? Perhaps we should be told.

CRAFTY LIB DEM LADY

Mercy me, the wife of the former Lib Dem leader Jim Wallace has written a scandal-ridden novel about a Scottish MP's extra-marital relationship with a teenage babysitter.

Rosie Wallace's bodice ripper, entitled A Small Town Affair, is entirely a work of fiction, Drumlanrig hastens to add.

As the adult themes tackled by the book would suggest, Mrs Wallace, above, is not afraid of risqu territory.

That also includes her sense of humour. She is a member of a so-called "Craft" lunch club with some other female friends of a certain age.

Craft as in, "Can't Remember A F***ing Thing".