Who'd want to be a referee?

WANTED: Referee and assistants for football match between Rangers and Celtic this weekend. The successful applicant will be expected to run around for 90 minutes in shorts regardless of snow, wind or horizontal rain. The ability to go stride-for-stride with Usain Bolt will be required as there have been suggestions by Celtic that the match officials have hitherto not been fast enough to keep up with new star forward, Robbie Keane.

Many instant decisions will be required. These will at all times be taken in accordance with an encyclopaedic knowledge of the game, ignoring pre-match suggestions of pro-Rangers bias. They should also ignore that fact that 11 of the players will immediately view any foul as a heinous crime while the other 11 will be astounded and shocked that the whistle has been blown at all.

Applicants should also be aware that 50,000 spectators, all of whom will regard themselves as better-positioned highly-qualified impartial judges, will divide in the same way, but will unite in directing an unending stream of abuse questioning the applicants' parentage, sexual abilities, physical attributes, etc, etc. The pay for enduring this torment will be derisory. No thanks will be given and the only perks will be a cup of stewed tea and a badly-cooked pie.

Question: What would Rangers, Celtic, and the football authorities do if nobody wanted to do this job?