Vacancies galore in Smart Scotland

OFFICIAL EU STATUTORY ANNOUNCEMENT

Invitation to Apply Notice

To: All Citizens of Poland and EU Accession countries

From: The Office of the First Minister, Scotland

Citizens of Poland and other EU Accession Countries are hereby invited to apply for exciting and challenging opportunities in Scotland from 1 May.

Scotland is a country forming a substantial part of the northern land mass of the United Kingdom. It offers beautiful scenery, first-class infrastructure, excellent school and hospital facilities, a rich and diverse cultural and ethnic mix and a wide choice of locations and superior housing, together with relocation advisory services. The official religion is Social Inclusion (Orthodox). The country’s mission statement is to create a Smart Successful Scotland.

Because of declining population, applicants are invited for the following occupations and positions (please submit full CV, stamped addressed envelope, with cheque for council tax and National Insurance contributions):

Vacancies exist in the capital city for builders and skilled tradespersons capable of working under pressure to complete a prestigious new project by July. Bricklayers, plasterers, joiners and plumbers should apply forthwith. Language skills optional, but previous experience of working with complex Spanish building designs is essential.

Excellent opportunities exist in Scotland for those in good health and with ball skills. Numerous vacancies have arisen in the national football team for (a) goal scorers (b) defenders and (c) midfield players. Applications are also invited for the post of team coach and manager.

Similar opportunities exist in the national rugby team for (a) try scorers (b) defenders and (c) energy-charged go-go dancers and bagpipers who can keep opposing teams waiting on the pitch for indeterminate periods.

Senior professional vacancies exist on the prestigious capital city building project (see above). There are opportunities for those with a standard abacus and who can count beyond 431 million. Recruitment has also begun for door openers, greeters, concierge functionaries and tour guides (armed).

The Scottish Executive is also looking for senior administrators and officials with advanced aptitudes in document mislaying and paper-shredding. The Executive is an Equal Opportunities employer and applications are especially welcome from those with short-term memory loss or sight and hearing impairments.

A temporary but remunerative assignment is available for those with experience of firearms to undertake a sensitive mission for the First Minister: action leading to the disappearance of the former First Minister.

Finally, an opportunity may shortly arise for one of the most senior positions in government. Applications are invited for the post of Enterprise Minister, which has been vacant for the past year. Experience of enterprise is useful but not essential. Apply directly and in confidence to the First Minister.

Such a spoof notwithstanding, Scotland is in need of immigrant workers, and at many levels. It must thus be all the more frustrating for Mr McConnell, who has spelt out so clearly the demographic challenge facing this country, to find himself boxed in yesterday with a statement on immigration policy so short of concrete new proposals. The plan to give foreign students visas to stay and work for two years after graduation is a welcome step. But further encouragement will be needed.