Talk of the Town: Can £2.6m computers keep officers awake?

THERE will be a few red faces at the police's Fettes HQ after video evidence of two of Lothian and Borders' finest napping on the job found its way on to YouTube, as outlined today on page 3.

Just as details of this blunder were breaking, the police press office sent out their own news flash – "New information technology and services are set to revolutionise the way police forces respond to incidents".

Apparently the Scottish Police Service has invested 2.6 million in a computer system, which will ensure that "the right officers are more quickly and consistently deployed to the right locations at the right time to prevent and detect crime".

Perhaps first they could try spending a few pence on some strong coffee to keep their officers awake. Surely that would encourage quicker and more consistent deployment.

Cameron lends Porty support . . with a little airbrushing

MEMBERS of Portobello FP Rugby Club are the latest to send up David Cameron's election campaign poster.

Ahead of their crucial top of the table clash with North Berwick on Saturday, club members have tinkered with the poster to have Mr Cameron urging Porty on to promotion.

Both clubs are trying to muster lots of supporters for what looks like the East Division One title decider which kicks off at 3pm in North Berwick. Who knows, maybe "Proud to be Porty" Dave will swell the numbers.

Christmas cake in a glass

WHEN is a dram not a dram? When it's a Christmas cake of course . . .

Distiller Glenfiddich has taken a tip from the wine industry to describe its newly-released 40-year-old single malt.

Apparently "the nose is beautifully rich with layers of dried fruits, dark chocolate, roasted coffee and black cherries and occasional notes of gentle wood smoke, leather and cloves".

The proud makers add: "The taste is silky smooth and luxurious with initial flavours of dried fruits, Christmas cake, dates, raisins and stewed apples which are later taken over by slightly dryish oak and some bitter chocolate notes with a mere hint of peat."

Anyone with 1,700 to spare is welcome to join the rush – only 600 bottles are available.

Fight decay the bard's way

FIRST prize for the most inventive use of Burns Night must go to NHS Lothian for invoking the national bard in the fight against . . . tooth decay.

Encouraging children to ditch fizzy drinks for milk or water, Colwyn Jones, Consultant in Dental Public Health for NHS Lothian, quotes Rabbie's Address to the Toothache: "Where'er that place be priests ca' hell, Where a' the tones o' misery yell, An' ranked plagues their numbers tell, In dreadfu' raw, Thou, Toothache, surely bear'st the bell, Amang them a'!"