Stupid is as stupid does for Jack

MONDAY

Called first thing and told to report to Jack's office straight away. Sounded terribly urgent. Walked in to find him and Tom McCabe both with 9 irons looking at their swings in the mirror.

"Ah, Mungo," says Jack. "Me and Tom want you to call that posh bloke from the R&A and see if you can get us into a picture with Jack Nicklaus at the Open on Thursday. Tell him it's something to do with our, er, Golf Implementation and Development strategy. Oh, and while you're at it, find out what it takes to get your face on a Scottish fiver.

Jack is definitely going a bit star-crazy after meeting Bono, Bush and Geldof last week. So much so that the backbenchers have started calling him Forrest Gump because he keeps on popping up in pictures with famous people.

TUESDAY

The R&A weren't having any of it. "You can tell your Mr McConnell that if he can't be bothered turning up to our dinners, then he isn't getting any special favours," their boss told me.

WEDNESDAY

Down to the National Gallery to see Patricia Ferguson unveil a Picasso etching called "Weeping Woman I, 1937" which has been bequeathed to us for some reason. Patricia made some very perceptive comments.

"Ah, Picasso," she said dreamily. "Lovely restaurant." One of her civil service wallahs tells me she's so desperate to appear arty that she's started signing her letters in purple ink. Honestly! How long can she last?

THURSDAY

Cathy Jamieson was none too pleased. New figures came out on neds which show that there's even more of the scamps running around.

There's rumours that Paul Martin and a few other of the backbenchers are calling for automatic expulsion of them all to the Isle of Coll (is there an election coming?), but of course the LibDems would never hear of it.

FRIDAY

Talking of which, Jack suddenly realised that with him going away on holiday to Arran for three weeks (three weeks!), Nicol Stephen would be running the country. Thank God no-one is interested in us anymore otherwise there'd be mass panic.

Jack sent down a list to that scruffy LibDem special adviser with specific instructions about what to do.

Number one is an order not to be photographed at any public event with any famous person (that's one job Jack will never delegate). Number two is not to be photographed at all. Number three is not to do anything.

That should suit Stephen just fine: he's such a lazy loafer, he doesn't need to be asked. But while Jack's away, it might be time for a bit of mischief. I hear McCabe and Curran are going to be in town the entire time. Time for a couple of dinner reservations at Cafe St Honore ...

It can only get better!