Postmodern ideas at traditionally high cost

THE scene: a postmodern office, with postmodern art “installations” on the wall; herbal tea is being served in post-modern tea-cups (no handles); there are lychees and kumquats in the fruit bowl.

A young man wearing a very expensive shirt, no tie, and a young woman clothed in Kane sprawl in front of a board of uncomfortable ladies and gentlemen.

Young man: “Hi, guys. As you know I’m, Torquil from Caledonian Creatives Cohort and this is my colleague Kirstye … yes, that’s Kirstye with an ‘e’ … and we’re glad you dudes from VisitScotland came so we can pitch for your terribly exciting European campaign.”

Kirstye: “Yah. We’re just so terribly excited that we are able to show you our latest thing. You’re shooting for the Moon and we’re the landing module.”

Torquil: “So here we are. it’s daring, it’s modern, it’s new. It’s Dolly the Sheep with a syringe injecting at the ERI bio-technology quarter alongside Glasvegas, painted by Jack Vettriano with Craigmillar in the background. It’s says ‘Scotland, we’re modern, come to see us.”

There is a silence broken by the chairman: “Yes, very, em, stimulating but can you just do us the Loch Ness monster, a piper, a chef, a duke or two and all in Scotland’s beautiful scenery?”

Torquil and Kirstye’s lips quiver, their faces contort, but a strangled reply emerges: “OK then. You’re probably right for the market. That’ll be 1.25 million.”