Mandelson: the unfinished diaries

EXCERPTS from Lord Mandelson's as yet unfinished diaries, Volume 2: 2010 "The Wilderness Unpleasant Spell."

May 8, 2010: Still can't believe David hasn't rung. Doesn't he know I defined the term 'progressive'? If only Gordon had listened when I told him Nick Clegg would need a separate bidet in Number 10.

May 9: Still I'm waiting for a call from David. Yet I'm the Middle Way. I can smooth ruffled feathers. After years holding the ring between Tony and Gordon I'm well versed as peacemaker. Can't they see?

May 11: Oh dear. Gordon's taken it all so badly and huffed off to his dreary house in Fife. I told him, if you have to prepare for the worst, Gordon, it has to be the Cote d'Azur or somewhere civilised off the coast of Greece.

June 19: All this ghastly budget austerity. And Willie Hague trying to get the UK back into the councils of Europe. Can't they see I'm just the man for this role?

July 11: At least I got my memoirs out before Tony. That'll show him I'm a fighter, not a quitter! Still searching for a post that will stretch my talents. Peacekeeping in the Middle East, perhaps, if only Tony would move over.

2011: I'm back in government! I really am the Third Way. Tried to Twitter Gordon but he switched off his mobile. Can't understand it. Is it something I said?