Going ape for welfare guidelines

FROM the Office of the Chief Monkey Regulator: In response to public concern and after widespread consultation across the Scottish government, local authorities, civic institutions, the public and not least representatives of the Monkey Community (MC), the CMR is pleased to announce the imminent roll-out of our Draft Core Strategy Paper (DCSP) setting out Guidelines on the Care of Primates (GCP) such as capuchins, marmosets and lemurs.

Copies of the DCSP are being simultaneously made available in Gaelic and Doric. We regret the delay in this publication as earlier consultations with the Monkey Community resulted in the document being served up with mashed bananas.

Care and treatment of members of the Monkey Community have become key concerns of the government following a series of incidents in the Scottish parliament. The strategy paper, covering basic procedures in the retention of monkeys as pets, will be open for a period of consultation. Implementation of the Guidelines will then be effected by a dedicated Monkey Business Enforcement Unit, overseen by the Monkey Inspectorate, reporting to the Office of the Chief Monkey Regulator. Senior executives will be incentivised by bonus bananas up to a ceiling of 2,000 bananas per 50,000 of salary, rising pro rata to 5,000 bananas and nuts for the chief executive. Only monkeys need apply.