Duchess has a turkey - as Christmas guest

SOME may be aghast to hear that the Duchess of Hamilton is having a turkey for Christmas. But the bird, her feathered friend Ankara, will be joining the animal-rights campaigner at the table as guest of honour, not a dish.

Kay (Hamilton) and Ankara will be joined by PETA - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals - as they gobble down a soya-based "Tofurky" with all the trimmings, including the greens that turkeys savour (but not GM ones, we hope) at Archerfield Home Farm, on the duke’s East Lothian estate on Monday .

Other well-kent faces giving the bird "the bird" this Christmas, we are told, include Amanda Holden, Sir Ian McKellen, the McCartneys and Joanna Lumley.

Ankara first met Kay when, battered and bruised from factory-farm life, the bird escaped from the back of a lorry en route to the abattoir and was taken in by the kind-hearted duchess. Now four years old, Ankara is living out her days in peace and dignity with two other turkeys, geese, ducks and assorted animals on the estate.

The duchess’s own feathers are often ruffled by the treatment of animals. As well as campaigning to save the Uist hedgehogs, she lobbied Jenners over stocking foie gras and heads the Scottish Staffordshire Bull Terrier Rescue Group.

"Many people think of turkeys as no more than a holiday centrepiece, but I have come to know these social birds as the gentle and inquisitive individuals they are," the duchess tells us."

What is Santa thinking about?

THE humour of Holyrood is not confined to representatives of the SSP, as they themselves graciously noted at the book launch of Revolutionary Witticisms of Colin Fox, Rosie Kane and Carolyn Leckie.

Indeed, the mystery MSP disguised as Santa in our picture - okay, it’s Brian Monteith - was named by the Red Fox as one of the rare wits among MSPs. Rosie Kane agreed: "Aye, he looks funny, too." Margo MacDonald was Colin’s first choice.

But in Monty’s Christmas card - sorry, seasonal greeting - our MSP has invited captions to fill his bubble, under the line "Just what is Father Christmas thinking?", such as: "Santa’s got a 17,000 window, but who’s got the sack?"

Rather generously, a bottle of malt is on offer for the best caption to be found on www.conservativemsps.com

MEANWHILE, more bad news for the Tories as their hopes crumbled at the poppadum world "chompionship" in Dundee. They were out in force with the Westminster candidate for Gordon, Philip Atkinson, cheered on by Ted Brocklebank, MSP, and his aide, Dominic Heslop. But Atko managed to put away only five poppadums. The winner, Tim Stobbes, devoured a dozen in three minutes. The competition was held in the Dil Se (Bangladeshi for "from the heart") in Dundee’s Perth Road, in aid of the Cancer Research charity.

Wogan's mything link

GOOD to see that Terry Wogan is being kept on his toes by The Touler. Villagers in and around Tomintoul have kept the phone of Bill Bailey, the editor, red-hot with sightings of the mythical Mrs Mackay that Wogan warbles on about clearing the Tomintoul-to-Cockbridge road, sometimes as early as June. Others have been on claiming they started the story as a hoax.

The Touler felt it was time to solve the mystery once and for all before Wake up to Wogan splits a village in two.

WHILE we are used to seeing Diary items picked up in the media, we are particularly pleased that today’s issue of The Lancet is following in our footsteps with a scientific investigation into the deep-fried Mars Bar phenomenon, a great Diary favourite.

WE ARE delighted to see that Her Majesty does not just appreciate a blue rinse from Brian Rafferty’s salon but also blue cheeses at Valvona & Crolla which, like Brian, received a Royal Warrant this week as a supplier of fine cheese. We do not know if she pops in personally, but our trencherman has spotted daughter Anne in the queue at Elm Row.

Poulter pitches in his pants

WE’RE worried about the anglicisation of Radio Clyde, which refers to the notorious trousers that Ian Poulter wore for the Open golf at Troon as "strides". Surely trews, if not breeks, would be the correct term - but then again his Union Flag trews were made in Savile Row.

Whatever they’re called, they will go under the hammer tomorrow on Radio Clyde’s Cash for Kids appeal, which is hoping to "trouser" up to 25,000 for them. The breeks, which have a 30-inch waist, "have already attracted interest from some well-known names, including the Duke of Bedford". That definitely knocks Ally McCoist and Andy Goram out of the bidding. It’s unlikely that members of the Parkhead fraternity will be bidding, but the Poulter trews are just the thing for a day out at Ibrox.

Up, up and away on the City Chambers lift

THE new "Harry Potter" lift at the City Chambers - it’s missing floors one and six - is the first thing "on the up" for the Lib Dems’ man in Queensferry, George Grubb, in quite a while.

As they gathered for their Christmas shindig this evening, George was ruing his own recent diary: "In September, I was done for speeding. In October, I was mistaken for Tom Ponton. In November, I received a solicitor’s letter holding me responsible for ‘the erections on the beach thereon’."

MEANWHILE, we know what council leader Donald Anderson, noted exponent of open government, is getting for Christmas. A new office. Very nice too, with partitions and frosted windows. Nothing but the best for the leader of Das Kapital.