Drumlanrig: Year of ribbing dangerously

DRUMLANRIG is delighted to offer you some cast-iron reliable predictions for the coming year.

GEORGE Galloway becomes First Minister. The Scottish Parliament elections end in deadlock. It quickly transpires that the balance of power is held by the newly elected list member for Glasgow.

After a four-week interregnum in which Galloway forces both Iain Gray and Alex Salmond to don a red cat suit and drink milk from a saucer as a condition of his support, he eventually declares himself First Minister, arriving at Bute House on top of a Panzer tank, and declaring that Scotland is to form a new Arc of Solidarity with Cuba.

Declaring that they need to put the country first, the Liberal Democrats offer him their fulsome support, in exchange for which Tavish Scott becomes Deputy Minister for Drains.

AFTER an election campaign in which he spends an inordinate amount of time banging the drum for Scotland's renewables industry, Alex Salmond resigns as an MSP in August following a narrow defeat and re-emerges in September as the new chairman of Spanish energy giant Iberdrola.

DAVID Cameron and Nick Clegg use the Royal Wedding to declare that the rest of 2011 is to be known as the Year of Love. In a joint statement, the pair declare: "The great thing about love is that even the poorest in society can take part. It costs nothing. Let's follow the example of William and Kate and together we'll all get through these tough times."

ED Miliband gets married to his long-time partner, Justine Thornton. He declares outside the Registry Office: "Look, frankly, I just want to say, you know, Justine, I love you like a brother. Although, obviously, I promise not to ruin your life."

GORDON Brown is admitted to The Priory after breaking down while trying to write a series of eight books before the summer break entitled "The Looming Challenge Of Fiscal Consolidation In A Globalised Setting: The Remedy For Change And Why Markets Alone Can't Provide the Answers, Although They Remain A Key Part Of A Mixed Economy Nonetheless."

Meanwhile, boosted by the success of his memoirs, Tony Blair releases a sequel. It is simply called "Me".