Daddy Cool: 'We pile up coats as an impromptu booster seat'

After the vile winter my thoughts recently turned to warmer climes, and I allowed myself the tantalising dream of a family jaunt to parts foreign.

Deep down I know Hibs are more likely to win the Scottish Cup before I can afford to take the five of us further afield than Seton Sands, but I like to give my mind a treat now and then. And I still do the lottery.

So the kids would have to get their first passports, which means shelling out the best part of 150 so they can prove they are not al-Qaeda extremists cunningly disguised as Spongebob Squarepants extremists. And that means getting photographs taken – snaps in which the fidgeting ferrets must, according to passport office rules, be "facing forward and looking straight at the camera, with a neutral expression and mouth closed (no grinning, frowning or raised eyebrows)". Those conditions rule out every photograph they have ever appeared in – most images capture them with mouths agape, grinning, frowning and raising eyebrows all at the same time.

Undeterred, we head to a supermarket with a photobooth. First up is the tallest and oldest child, who swivels the chair to the requisite height and stares motionless at the screen ahead. We shovel pound coins into the slot, the camera flashes, job done. Except when the pics appear it turns out he was leaning imperceptibly to one side and looks like he only has one ear. We repeat the process and pile in more pound coins and eventually have a useable pic.

Next is his younger brother, about a foot shorter and incapable of remaining still for more than five seconds. The chair won't swivel high enough so we pile up coats to create an impromptu booster seat. And insert more pound coins. When the pics come out he is still too low so we shove in more cash and add jumpers and scarves to the clothes mountain. Two down, one to go.

It's the turn of their diminutive sister. Necessity being the mother of invention, we construct a flimsy scaffolding out of dozens of discarded cardboard boxes and shopping baskets, and position her on top like a petrified fairy on a twisted Christmas tree. Coins in, shutter clicks, and the photos turn out fine.

So that's the hard part done. Now to pick the lottery numbers.