Alison Craig: You won't see me go fourth and multiply

As Joan Rivers so eloquently said: "Congratulations to Victoria Beckham, who is pregnant with her fourth child . . . She's finally eating for one."

So Goldenballs has done it again. No 4 is on the way - wow, a fourth baby. No matter which way you look at it, four is a handful. Or more accurately a houseful. But then again the Beckhams have so many houses they can probably have one each.

No matter what, I do love babies and reading some good news for a change is welcome. As a mum myself the thing that struck me, like a boot in the bum, is that their youngest is soon to be six, the others are 11 and eight, and the thought of turning back the clock to having a wailing newborn sounds like hell.

The contrast from being an upright, sane and well-rested woman to being jettisoned back to the days of the maternity smock, the no drinking, the endless visits to the loo, the don't-annoy-me-my-hormones-are-raging, yeah-Ok-I'll-drive-AGAIN, no-I'm-not-fat-I'm-pregnant, is horrendous.

Having said that, Victoria's last three pregnancies were barely noticeable - she looked like she had a Malteser inserted into her jumper.

Quite different to my experience of putting on four and a half stone which resulted in the rather unique position of only the Great Wall of China and my stomach being visible from the moon.

But I dare say Victoria has thought it all through. She thinks everything through. This is not a woman prone to spontaneity. To my knowledge she has never been snapped in a pair of droopy, stained trackie bottoms, wearing a top from the night before with a splat of baby sick over her shoulder, make-up free and looking exhausted.

Even on the school run she looks immaculate in high heels, a sharp suit and sunglasses the size of beer mats. So the world will watch in wonder as she grows and displays a small bijou bump before shelling the pea, AKA having the baby.

The physical expansion, the expense and the time a newborn takes up are things only us mere mortals have to worry about. This example of modern womanhood has bottomless pockets and a support network of nannies and carers to take away all the day-to-day harassments most mothers face. So when the rest of the world is economising and counting its pennies the Beckhams highlight once again that money is no object. They already have the houses, the glamorous friends and the designer gear. So maybe the time is right to bring on the girl. In the USA sex selection is an option if you have enough cash and determination to go for it. Have they decided on a designer baby?

If not, what a pressure on the wee thing yet to be born. What if it's a boy? How will he feel when he arrives in the world to be greeted with "oh, another boy . . ." as opposed to "great, a lovely bouncing baby girl . . .". Then as he grows up and reads all the press cuttings declaring "Victoria wants a girl" he may well feel unwanted and unloved - and who could blame him? It's hardly what you want to hear, is it?

The other interesting scenario is for a girl - but one who turns out to be normal. When I say normal, I mean average like the rest of us. I mean a girl who doesn't look like a supermodel and is an average size 14. In other words, bigger than her mother by the time she is eight years old.

Being surrounded by three brothers the chances are she will like a bit of rough and tumble and will be able to stick up for herself. Can you imagine Victoria's face if she likes playing football? What if Girl No 4 wants to bin mini-me co-ordinated fashion in favour of a Tottenham top and play keepie uppie with her brothers?

And, as we all know, you can't manufacture friendships. So what if Girl No 4 and Suri Cruise take an instant and life-long dislike to one another? It happens.

The thought of the Cruise and Beckham daughters having a major cat fight on the red carpet as their white toothed parents smile benignly on at the world's press fills me with glee. You can plan your children but to put any expectation on the person they will become can end in nothing but tears.

So, despite her immense wealth, thin legs and the fact that I still look more pregnant now, many years after having a baby, than she ever did, I honestly don't envy Victoria getting her nails painted, styling her hair and starving herself back into size six trousers before you can say "nappy rash".

The pressure on her, on him, on the kids and especially on the new arrival would drive me to Pizza Hut and the local offy. In fact the mere thought of it has - see you later.