Alison Craig: It's nothing to Harp on about

Everyone loves good news and what better news than the arrival of a new baby? A beautiful baby girl. And, as it happens, one born to a mother and father with perfectly normal names, Victoria and David.

Their three sons - and the wee one's trio of brothers - Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz may be pushing the envelope of conventional names a little but, really, those pale into insignificance when compared with their new little sister's given title, Harper Seven.

Guffaw. Sorry, but I couldn't help it. So was she born at Harper Seven? I suppose it's better than Quarter to Eight Beckham.

As news spread of this unique moniker, so did the fact that her three big brothers had a hand in the naming - Harper allegedly being a character in their favourite Disney programme, Wizards of Waverly Place.

I suppose if you consider the alternative TV characters she could have been named after, it could have been even worse: Scooby Beckham, if they were cartoon dog lovers; or if they were Doctor Who fans, how about Dalek? Dalek Beckham. Hmm, certainly memorable.

In 1995, Disney released an animated film called Pocahontas which at the time was said to have led to a rash of little Pocahontases.

It may have been an urban myth, but just imagine someone screeching out of a kitchen window in a Scots accent, "Pocahontas, yer tea's oot!"

And how will those same wee Pocahontases, named after the daughter of a Virginian Indian chief, feel 20 years on, working in accounts at the local bank wearing a name badge with "Pocahontas MacGraw" printed on it?

Annoyed with her mum and dad, I would have thought.

On its own, I think Harper could work, if it didn't have the risk of being shortened to Harp - being kind, a beautiful musical instrument; being less kind, a lager. Or, worse still, Harpie. The definition of a Harpie is a winged women with sharp claws who snatched food, objects, or people. Shortening it is off the cards then.

So, back to the full title, Harper Seven. Which then begs the question if she could be related to Blake Seven - wasn't that the bloke who travelled space and time in a bad silver jumpsuit in the 1970s on British TV?

I have been told seven was the number on David Beckham's back when he played for Manchester United, which clearly means a lot to him. But do you really want to name your lovely new daughter with something as impersonal as a number?

On the upside, she is a shoe-in for a sponsorship deal with Boots No.7 when she grows up.

Of course, celebrities have a long history of acting the goat and giving their kids ridiculous names. Take Frank Zappa's daughter, Moon Unit, and David Bowie's son, Zowie. Though, to be fair, it was the 1960s and early 70s, so hallucinogens might have had something to do with that.

More recent additions to the Hall of Fame, Embarrassing Baby Names Department include Nicole Richie's new baby Sparrow - incidentally, he is a boy, not a bird, so to speak.

Then there's American actor Jason Lee, who called his boy Pilot Inspektor, which is frankly mystifying and can only lead to trouble if the lad is travelling by plane in the future, given the lack of a sense of humour employed by airport security officials in the United States.

Of course, there is a flip side to this. In fact, when I was at school in the 1970s I used to complain to my folks that they should have been a bit more creative, because there were four Alisons in my class.

We all had to be called - or, in my case, shouted at - by our full names:

"Alison Croll, pass out the pencils."

"Alison Taylor, well done - ten out of ten."

"Alison Craig, will you stop talking?"

It seems the boys often fared no better. I was in the pub recently on a Friday night and in our company of 12 people there were four Johns and four Davids.

This only dawned on me when it was my round and I turned to ask "Dave, would you like a pint?" and four loud cries of "yes, please" hit my ears and my wallet.

Certain names are cyclical - for instance, Margaret. My mum's four great pals in North Berwick are all called Margaret.

It can be hilarious, but more often than not confusing, when she tells a story and they all merge into one in my mind.

So, back finally to the Beckhams. It seems that upon Harper Seven's arrival, doting dad David took his three sons to Olive and Fig.

Are they cousins, I wondered? Or the offspring of other celeb friends?

No, that is the name of the restaurant they went to in West Hollywood to celebrate. How silly of me - cousins called Olive and Fig? That would be just too pedestrian.