The goodies always win in fairytales, but in real life Brexit bad guy Boris seems poised for victory, writes Jim Duffy.
There is nothing better than a cracking fairytale when everything works out in the end with the main characters dancing into the sunset. Having overcome obstacles, barriers and nasty people, our wanderers sail away in a dream world of happiness and bliss. It warms our cockles and makes us feel all gooey inside. From Disney’s Cinderella to Tarzan to Shrek, good will win through and love will save the day.
And as always the baddie or villain gets his or her comeuppance and is cast aside. The villain learns his or her lesson and either falls off a cliff or eats lots of humble pie. But in the Brexit fairytale, the villain keeps winning and it’s spoiling the ending for me...
For many of you, Boris Johnson was a joke and a joker. He was happy to hang from a zip wire in London, ensuring all the press put his picture front of stage in the next day’s editions. He just loved the fact that his hair was literally all over the place and in need of some care and attention.
It was and is messy and disheveled – all the time, making him look a bit clumsy and cute. He basked in the knowledge that the Tory-leaning broadsheet, The Telegraph, would hire him at the drop of a hat to write his column, giving him that elevated platform he needed to point the finger at others. But, in this fairytale, Brexit Boris just will not leave us all alone to get on with the film. He keeps calling a halt to production. No, this baddie will not learn his lesson.
I was one of those gullible idiots who swallowed the Brexit Bus slogans – hook, line and sinker. Hundreds of millions of pounds would come back to the UK each week and our NHS would swallow it up to keep this stalwart of British society prospering.
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Along with Nigel Farage, Boris was front and centre in the Brexit campaign. It appeared these two characters were key to the plotline. They were partners in crime, but likeable rogues who were happy to swill a pint at the local village pub or get involved in some crazy prank. Were they the goodies or the baddies though? Then the unthinkable happened and we all woke up to the next instalment in our fairytale. These two had pulled it off.
Farage then did a runner. He has carved out a tidy media career with LBC in London. It is estimated that his media earnings are topping £700,000 a year. Well done Nigel. And who knows, Her Majesty may even honour him with that knighthood. It’ll be “Arise Sir Nigel”, as he distances himself from the nightmare he has helped create. But, this character is only now reduced to a sub-plot in our fairytale. The main protagonist and staring role goes to Boris. And I’m now convinced this baddie may be unstoppable.
No doubt the Tory grandees wanted him in power to give him a flavour of what it was like working with others. So, Mrs May was told to give him a seat at the table. The office of Foreign Secretary beckoned and he was completely unimpressive. Why? Because in this fairytale, he was plotting for more. He wants it all. He wants a shot at the title.
My question to the screenwriters of our fairytale is this: Is the baddie not supposed to die or get trampled by rampaging wildebeest? Surely, you are not going to let the villain win the day?
No sooner had Johnson resigned, in what can only be described as a staged media directors cut, than he starts writing for the Telegraph. The first thing he does is have a go at Sadiq Khan on London’s rising knife crime and violence. Now, let me see. How convenient is that Boris? A playing field you are comfortable in and very newsworthy to boot.
But, if we can just get back to the main plot. The one you, Boris, created and we are all suffering from as a result – Brexit. You cannot just whitewash yourself out of this one, hoping that some other patsy will pop up and take the blame. No, you wanted it, you sold it and now you need to run with it! We want a happy ending, Boris, and only you have the answer. After all, you had the answers 18 months ago...
Does it feel like I’m being a bit accusatorial? Am I being too harsh on this Boris character? Are there other baddies in the background pulling his strings and writing the ending of our fairytale?
This is our reality today as we prepare for a no-deal Brexit, WTO rules and a whole raft of sub-plots that we have not even considered. And we Scots are powerless to intervene in any way. The First Minister has tried. To be fair, Nicola Sturgeon must be sick to her back teeth of this baddie, wondering how she can have him written out of each scene. But, like Dr Legg in Eastenders, he keeps coming back.
I’m afraid folks, there is no happy ending to our fairytale. Boris will make sure of that. Just as the world is burning, this baddie wants the hot seat, so he can rule and fulfil his potential and and make Boris 2, Boris 3: This Time it’s Personal, etc. It’s his movie and sequels and we are all bit-parts.
I wonder if he wakes up in the morning and sings that Lion King song, ‘I just can’t wait to be king!!’ The only problem with all of this is our fairytale has been turned upside down. Maybe it’s time we all left in search of Narnia. I hear the weather is a lot cooler there.