Why I'm hanging onto my mask - Janet Christie's Mum's the Word column

The masks are off but I’m hanging onto mine

The masks are off. It’s no longer a legal requirement but I’m not alone in hanging onto mine.

“Covers a multitude of sins,” agrees a friend in a public-facing role. “Now I’ll have to start smiling again at rude b*******,” she says and rolls her eyes, an impressive display that despite the Julia Roberts beam she’s blasting, will leave offenders in no doubt.

But still, gone is the anonymity and ability to chunter on to yourself behind the mask, the chance to vent in a non-confrontational way by crinkling your eyes while swearing insults quietly into the fabric. Back is the need for an occasional smear of lippy so people don’t think you’re depressed or tired.

“Yes, and I’ll still be getting my lashes done,” says Youngest, a big proponent of the eye smize, and the person responsible for me dropping a small fortune on lash extensions during lockdown. Waste of time. They fell out within a week.

“That’s because you didn’t have a proper care regime. You have to commit,” she says, talking slowly but kindly. “And you should have got infills.”

“Infills?”

“Individual lashes to fill in the gaps as they shed.”

“So it’s like painting the Forth Bridge, who has time or money for that?”

“Painting the Forth Bridge?” she says. “How are lashes like painting the… what? What!?”

“The Forth Bridge,” I repeat.

“What do you mean? What are you talking about?”

“It’s a saying,” I tell her, talking slowly but kindly. “For a process that never ends. Because when they’ve painted all the way to the end of the bridge it’s time to start again at the other end.”

“Really? Are you sure?”

“Yes. Well I don’t think it still happens. But everyone says it.”

“I’ve never heard that in my entire life. No-one I know EVER says that,” she says. “I’d say it’s more like watching a musical. That’s a MUCH better description.”

“How is it in any way like a musical?” I say. “Musicals have an end, a finale, a big show-stopping number. Musicals definitely end. Eventually.”

“Yes, but when you’re watching them, it doesn’t feel like it. So eyelash maintenance is like a musical. Painting the Forth Bridge, ha, ha.”

“Let’s just agree to differ,” I say and practise my patient smile, since I’m not wearing a mask. Although it is strongly advised.