What the vulnerable children living in residential care need most of all is love - Lindsey Mackey

“Do you love me?” The words rang out over the dinner table earlier this month as we sat there, a group of young people and staff members of a residential children’s home. The words came from a young girl and were aimed towards the manager of the home.

Lindsey Mackey, Assistant Manager, Spark of Genius, member of the Scottish Children’s Services Coalition

“Of course I do,'' she replied.

The comment sparked a conversation and we spent the next ten minutes exchanging compliments and telling each young person in turn what we loved about them. As I left for the evening, I reflected on the exchange. It was touching, encouraging and surprising all mixed together. In reality, it was an unusual conversation for a group of teenagers sitting around the dinner table but it spoke volumes about what the often very vulnerable and traumatised children living in residential child care need most of all. Love.

When I started working in residential child care ten years ago we didn’t speak of loving the children in our care. We certainly didn’t tell them we loved them. There was a style of professionalism within the workforce which was often unspoken. No one wanted to blur the boundaries and everyone was anxious to get it right. We were employed to do a job.

”You don’t really care, you are just paid to be here”.

Any residential child care worker will recognise these words, as they are often the first that come out of our children’s mouths when they are angry, stressed or upset. How can we build the meaningful relationships needed to make real change if we don’t have love? The good news is, it’s not difficult. When you live alongside children in residential care, sharing meal times, school runs, holidays, bed times it all happens naturally. I would suggest, the real question should be “How could we not love them?”.

Every child welcomed through our door; be that for a short period of time or for years will have their own unique experiences. For some young people it is a tiny part of their journey through childhood, a period where they or their family needed extra support before they could be reunited full time. For others, their time living with us spans the length of their childhood. They may not have family who are in a position to care for them or even maintain a relationship with them as they grow. For these children, the nurture, care and love they receive from those who look after them is going to be crucial for their development. Shaping how they will form and maintain relationships with others in the future.

“The Promise” was published in February 2020, it placed Love as one of its central themes and that included loving children who live in residential care. As the subject of love in care has become more prominent it hasn’t allowed us to start loving the children. We have always loved them. What it has done is allow us to speak openly of love, celebrate that love and name that feeling as love.

This morning, there was the usual chaos that comes in the hour before everyone needs to be at school. Hunting down school shoes that have mysteriously gone missing from the night before, dishing out lunch money and defusing the daily argument of whose turn it is to sit in the front seat of the car.

Then quiet descends, everyone has left and I make my way to the office to begin the mountain of paperwork which has built up from the day before. Then come the footsteps on the floor as the final young person races down the stairs, late. They shout out to me as they head out the front door, “Bye, love you” and without a beat I respond, “love you more.”

Lindsey Mackey, Assistant Manager, Spark of Genius, member of the Scottish Children’s Services Coalition