Sorry really isn’t the hardest word to say

In London, if two people bump into each other, chances are that one will immediately start yelling while the other speed-dials Injury Lawyers 4U. In Scotland – well, in Edinburgh, anyway – chances are both sides will mutter “Sorry” and walk on. (Unless, perhaps, they’re on the Grassmarket at 1am on a Saturday.)

I like that. I think the ability to say “Sorry” – especially in an ambiguous, knock-for-knock situation – is a true sign of civilisation. But not everybody agrees.

A survey in New York has revealed the shocking truth that British people living in the Big Apple say “Sorry” eight times a day on average. What’s outraged the Americans even more is the discovery that Brits regularly apologise when the thing they’re apologising for isn’t necessarily their fault.

So, to stop us constantly saying the hardest word, some wise-guy New Yorkers have set up a helpline for polite Brits to call (001-743-2413920) to get some robust advice about how to be more assertive: “Tired of being an over-apologetic Brit and want to be no-nonsense like us? Then we can give you a lesson in brash... And put a stop to unnecessary sorrys to the man who steps on your feet on the tube.”

I realise that there’s a modern fashion for making a Big Thing about apologies. Tony Blair really didn’t do Britain any favours by issuing well-publicized, moist-eyed, but slightly tardy sorrys for slavery, the potato famine, the resistance to the Norman invasion, Turkey Twizzlers and just about anything anybody had ever got slightly riled about (except the War on Terror, of course).

But so long as you don’t over-do it, saying “Sorry” is probably society’s most useful everyday emollient.

Something just happened; I say “Sorry” just in case it was my fault; you say “Sorry” just in case it was yours; you might secretly think it was my fault; I’m pretty damned sure it was yours; but we’re grown-ups, we know it’s no big deal, we accept we’re nice human beings who aren’t intending to suddenly pull out sawn-off shotguns and blow others heads off, and on we go.

Saying “Sorry” is not always a total acceptance of guilt, it’s just a way to help daily interactions go more smoothly and generally make life more pleasant, that’s all.

Besides, there are so many kinds of sorry, there’s always one that will please everybody involved. From the total non-sorry (“I’m sorry you feel that way”), or the empathic sorry (“Sorry, you’re Glaswegian, aren’t you? Please could you repeat that more slowly?”), to the incredulous sorry (“Sorry? You did WHAT?”), this little word is a precious and useful social tool.

Many Americans obviously believe that saying “Sorry” diminishes the speaker, which is as sad as it is untrue. However, this attitude makes more sense when you examine the overall attitude to apologising in the USA.

While even the Japanese and the Pope can cough up the odd apology, the Americans tend to be stubbornly tight-lipped. Maybe they think regular violations of international law are just “brash” and “no-nonsense”, but the rest of us reckon they’re a tad impolite.

The victims of Iran air flight 655 have gone without a sorry since being shot down by an American warship in 1988.

The people of Grenada haven’t yet had a sorry for the US invasion of 1983. Native Americans have been waiting even longer, and although President Barack Obama quietly signed an apologetic “resolution” in 2009, it was just part of a defence spending bill and nobody bothered to actually tell any Native American leaders.

I was thinking of setting up a helpline for rude and aggressive – oops! SO sorry! I mean “brash” – New Yorkers, to teach them the fine art of saying sorry and to show them it’s a sign of strength, not weakness. But maybe the best place to start is the White House.