So far hard Brexit is proving pretty soft – Kevan Christie

‘Ode to Joy”, for we are all European now, us Scots.

Agyness Deyn in the film vesion of Nicola Sturgeon's beloved Sunset Song
Agyness Deyn in the film vesion of Nicola Sturgeon's beloved Sunset Song

Forget that 31 January departure date – this is not an exit – no less a figure than Donald “where’s your troosers” Tusk declared by way of a love bomb to the nation on last weekend’s Andy Marr show.

Donald had to stop himself from “saying something too blunt” but promised to have a word with the bouncers to see if his beloved Scotland can get back into the EU club at some point in the future.

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However, the first week of a hard Brexit has been a bit soft.

We haven’t run out of milk, toilet roll or Tunnock’s Caramel Wafers yet and I was able to buy some Ibuprofen for my dodgy knee without having to shell out two grand to Big John from Big Pharma.

People whose previous experience of Europe was going to their mate Barry’s stag weekend in Prague (cheap bevvy) or travelling to Seville to “watch” Celtic play Porto in the 2003 UEFA Cup Final declared themselves European.

“I am European, for I have journeyed to Santa Posna and watched Only Fools and Horses on an all-dayer in the Jaggy Thistle pub.”

Growing up, I loved listening to European bands like The Jam, The Specials and Madness while pretending to like films with subtitles starring Gerard Depardieu.

On Brexit Day the SNP paid for a “Scotland Loves Europe” or “Europe Loves Scotland” symbol to be projected onto the European Commission headquarters in Brussels where a couple of cleaners had left the Big Light on in one of the offices – while they nipped to the boozer.

This was construed as them leaving a light on for Scotland but a commission spokesperson later confirmed they would never leave the Big Light on as it just wasn’t done in Europe and they’d read in the Scotsman that this was only a Scottish thing.

It should have been “leave a light on for the two-thirds of the Scottish Electorate who voted to Remain” anyway, as 38 per cent voted for Brexit. “‘Point of order – your honour.” What’s happened to the one-
million Scottish people who voted Leave? – the lepers in the leper 
colony.

I know they’ve been airbrushed out of history but where did we put them? Are they on a remote island in the Outer Hebrides, keeping an eye on fishing quotas or have they been sent to the North of England?

If anyone knows, please get in touch.

Meanwhile, I see the SNP have appointed former Daily Record editor and architect of The Vow front page, Murray Foote, as its new head of communications at Holyrood.

The usual sycophants tripped over themselves to wish him well on Twitter and his “journey” from No to Yes on independence has been well-documented, with a Netflix film rumoured for early summer.

Murray will pick up the keys to his souped-up company Subaru next week in Azurra Blue with “YES” and “AYE” stickers as standard and a Saltire to fly out the passenger-side window as he makes the trip up the M90 to watch his beloved Dundee United. Perhaps he can arrange for the AUOB marches to coincide with the Arabs away fixtures next season on their inevitable return to the Scottish Premiership.

I pretty much agree with his view that Brexit has nudged previous No voters towards an independent Scotland as that’s where my sympathies lie – but I’m not having the switch in political allegiance from Labour to the SNP which appears to be the case here.

Like changing which football team you support, in my book.

Anyway, Murray will have his work cut out when he starts his new gig and he certainly won’t have his troubles to seek.

I hope he’s packed a big hose as the fallout from the Budget Day resignation of former finance secretary Derek Mackay will keep him in firefighting duties.

Boris Johnson waded in on Thursday as he was reported to have said: “I’m not being driven out of Scotland by that bloody Wee Jimmy Krankie woman.”

Which is a tad unfair as Janette always gets it in the neck.

Oor Nicola, on the other hand, can seek solace from her well-thumbed copy of Sunset Song by Lewis Grassic Gibbon which, as we all know, has had a ‘“profound impact” on her life and is something she can turn to in times of trouble.

There’s been a lot of talk about healing the nation in the event of a Yes victory if IndyRef2 ever comes to a cinema near you shortly – but don’t be fooled by this, folks – it’s nothing more than lip service.

No doubt, Murray Foote will be at the vanguard of a shift towards reaching out to previous No voters and those of a Yes-curious disposition. But his appointment does little to dispel the notion that the Yes movement will be dominated by the SNP and this will prove unattractive to Scottish Labour voters toying with independence who are crucial to its success.

The idea that the SNP and Scottish Government are aiming for anything more than a 51 per cent “get it right up ye” victory in which the so-called Yoons can “Go whistle” is an insulting fallacy.