ruth walker:Department of Health consultants spent a whole 200 hours sitting on their backsides watching the telly

O

H HAPPY, happy days. It’s not often I consider surveys a worthwhile use of my reluctantly paid taxes. Do we really need to know, for instance, that just one in four of us thinks MPs are doing a good job? Consider the words ‘stating’ and ‘obvious’. Or that drivers speed up when they see an amber traffic light? And your point is, caller? Hey, stop the press, people. Turns out women are putting off starting a family for fear it might damage their career and their lifestyle. You don’t say!

Who carries out these surveys? Asks the questions? And who is stupid enough to respond to them? Is the news, for instance, that fat girls and married men are more likely to have sex on a first date simply a result of the fact that more fat girls and married men had the time to answer? Perhaps thin girls and unmarried men considered the questions a ridiculous waste of their time. Perhaps they were too busy having sex to fill in a stupid questionnaire in the first place. (Incidentally, keen cyclists are the least likely to put out on a first date. I’ve been cycling. I know why that is. And it’s more a case of the spirit is willing ...)

In these days of financial hardship and tightening of belts, our cash-strapped government has still managed to go through enough jacket pockets and salvage enough coins from the back of the Commons sofa to establish that Scooby Doo is the healthiest cartoon of them all. How do they know? Because Department of Health consultants spent 200 hours sitting on their backsides watching the telly in a bid to find out. And, just in case you’re interested, it transpires that even though the ghost-chasing pooch and those pesky kids are partial to a high-cholesterol Scooby snack, they do so much running around that they are considered the most active of all cartoon heroes. “Each character was rated on their activity levels,” says a spokesman, “and received marks for good behaviours such as walking short journeys and playing sport.”

Is it me? Is it? Does any of this constitute news? Does any of it honestly deserve the time, effort and financial input required. I am, quite frankly, aghast. Speechless. Almost. But not quite.

Because, at last, it’s all worthwhile. Finally, those jobsworths have come up with some survey results that make real sense. That will enrich lives and bring happiness wherever they are reported. I’m here to spread the love. Really, no need to thank me. Just doing my job.

The news to which I refer is this: chocolate is as good for you as jogging. Really. Boffins have discovered that eating the dark stuff can improve athletic performance as much as exercise. Eat it AND exercise, and performance is boosted by 50 per cent. Hallelujah!

Of course, the survey was carried out on mice, and to the best of my knowledge I’ve never seen a mouse jog, so it’s difficult to say how much the results apply to real, chocolate-guzzling human beings. But still, gift horse ... mouth ...

Now, if they could only get some kind of hard evidence to prove over-indulging in gin is the equivalent of 200 sit-ups. n